Love is...Hard

I am writing a sequel to my previous post as I believe I have grown as a person in just a few short hours.

Maria Rapha returned from seeing her mom today around 11:00. She brought her older sister with her. On Saturday, her mother drove up from Nebraska and she had dinner with Maria Rapha, her brother and her older sister. She then left than night, taking the boy with her as the other two girls decided to stay--one with me and the other with her grandmother.

The minute Maria Rapha returned, I could sense something was off. The first thing she did was show me the two new pairs of shoes her mother bought her at $50 a piece. She also proceeded to state, rather defiantly, that her mother had spent over $200 on her sister and herself. Throughout the day, she continued to refer to her mom's money and how much she spends on her, etc. I admit that I was a bit annoyed by her behavior, but I didn't say anything.

Things went south at dinner. I made spaghetti and didn't pour the sauce for the children as not everyone likes sauce. When Maria Rapha poured hers, she wasn't paying attention and poured the entire bottle on her plate. I sharply, but not angrily said, "Maria Rapha-you dumped the whole jar." I then tried to divvy up the sauce between the three plates and said nothing more on the matter. Maria Rapha, however, proceeded to put her head on the table and not touch her food. She has already had three tantrums before today, so I ignored the behavior and chatted with her sister as if nothing had happened.

Towards the end of dinner, she ran into her room and slammed the door. She began to sob, very loudly. She declared over and over again that she wanted her mother and that she didn't like me. I ignored her, as I had heard all this before. After about thirty minutes, she came out and started watching the movie with her sister. I told her that she needed to go back to her room. She again slammed the door. I walked in and told her that if she slammed her door again, I would take it off the hinges. Soon after, I began to hear her throwing things. I walked in and found that she had began to destroy a game of Monopoly. The money was scattered around the floor, most of it crumpled, some torn in pieces. At that point, I removed the door and put it into my room. I told her that she needed to pick up the mess or I would remove her stuff from her room. When she didn't move, I began to remove her possessions. At this point, she was so angry, she was shaking. She began to throw things around the room and at me. When I removed the radio, she told me she was going to smash it during the night. When she reached out to throw a glass picture frame, I really began to fear for her and my safety. I grabbed her wrists to keep her from throwing the picture frame against the wall. I then scooped her up and placed her on the bed, continuing to empty the room. When I began to move stuff her mother had given her that day, she snapped. She charged like an angry bull into my room and began grasping for her items. I again picked her up to return her to the bed. Unfortunately, she had a shoe. With one hand, she scraped my arms and pinched me. With the other, she used a shoe to repeatedly strike my face. I again placed her on the bed and removed the shoes from her fingers. Then, I sat in the doorway of her room and just looked at her. She began to scream that she was going to call her mom to have her beat me up and the she was going to kill me. She, of course, also said she was leaving in the room.

At this point, I began to sing "In Christ Alone" over and over again. I just sat in the doorway as Maria Rapha shook with rage and sorrow and worshiped God. It's crazy, but I felt such peace. Maria was still trying to find things to destroy. She threw hangers at me, snapped pencils and tried to break the bed frame in half. Then, I started praying for her. I asked God to give her peace and show her how much He loved her and that I loved her. I prayed that over and over again. I also prayed that Satan would be kicked out as only believers reside in this house. Then, I looked at her and said, "Maria Rapha, you are not called to serve Satan but the Lord. You are to be a light in darkness, a healer to the nations. God has a plan for your life." At that point, her head fell into her hands and she just cried out, "I know." It was then, I felt the victory in the Spirit. I scooped up that little girl, held her in my lap and just cried with her. As our tears mixed, she said, "I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry. My heart is just so full of sorrow. I miss my mom and my and my brother." She just sobbed and I could feel the anger leaving her as she struggled to deal with the pain that was torturing her soul. I told her over and over again that I love her. I also told her that I would fight for her and love her unconditionally. Very soon after, she dried her tears and took her shower. I put the sheets back on her bed, read her a bedtime story, prayed with her and kissed her goodnight and that was the end.

Though the entire seen spanned over about an hour, I felt peace through the entire episode. The only time that I was close to anger was when I saw that she had destroyed my childhood game of Monopoly. But even then I knew that there were deeper issues that I was fighting against. And as she struck my face over and over again with that shoe, all I could think about was how much pain she must be dealing with. When it was all over, I just cried. I cried for Maria Rapha and all those who are like her--bearing ugly scars at such a young age. I cried for Maria's mom, a woman who is I feel such compassion for. And then, I admit, I cried for me because I had no one to hold me and tell me that things would be better in the morning.

But now, I praise God. I praise Him because I know without a shadow of doubt that I did the right thing in taking Maria Rapha. I praise Him because I never am really alone. I praise Him because even in the eye of the storm, He is very present. I praise Him because He is just beginning to work in me and in Maria Rapha. I praise Him because He loves me even when it is hard.