Elusive Contentment

One of my basketball coaches from high school contacted me today. In his note, he mentioned that my pictures suggested that I was "content and at peace." I have been thinking about those words all day long. Am I content? Am I at peace?

I feel like there is a constant war within my soul. Am I content? Certainly...and certainly not. You see, I am content in knowing that I am exactly where God wants me to be (in terms of geographic location). Throughout this last year, I have never doubted whether or not God wanted me in Pine Ridge. I know He had and has a purpose for me here. But at the same time, I am extremely discontented. You see, my face is literally streaked with tears as I think about the people of Uganda. I want to go back so bad that it literally hurts. I am also discontented with my maturity level in my faith. So am I content? Kinda.

Do I have peace? Yes--perfect peace. I have complete peace in knowing that I am exactly where God wants me. I have peace knowing that God has everything under control. Yes, I have peace. But my soul is also one of the most turbulent of anyone I have encountered. I want so badly to be more obedient and more faithful. I despise myself for my constant compromise and focus on the temporary. I am haunted by negative thoughts of fear and rejection. My soul is, at times, more like a tsunami than cool waters.

So what am I? Who am I?

When you get a clue, let me know.

B