Sooooooooooooooo Tired

Today is the second day back from break and I am absolutely exhausted. I got two new students in my classroom on Monday--twins who happen to be the principal's grandchildren. They are lovely girls and many of my students are familiar with them as they were at our school a few years back. However, their added present has made our room seem filled to the brim. Our room is sweltering hot and there is very little space at present. In addition to trying to settle down 17 post-break students, I am trying to introduce the rules and procedures of our classroom to the new girls. It is really tiring.

In addition to this, my obligation to the after school program is not quite up. I knew that I had some sessions left on my contract, but I certainly did not plan on roughly 15 more! I honestly think that is more than we have thus far. I don't know how I am going to last. It is just so difficult to be at the school for 11 hours straight, knowing you are going to back an hour later. Plus, Crazy M is back in the program...and as crazy as ever. However, I have developed a check-out system for all of my students so I hopefully will not lose anyone else.

Today one of my student's parents was going to be bit late--40 minutes. As I sat there on the floor beside her, tears of exhaustaion streamed down my face. I decided for the millionth time that this was a difficult job.


But I know God is with me and it is just my flesh protesting. I am trying to be more obedient and seek God regardless of what I feel like.

P.S. The afterschool director said that she did not accept my resignation. What does that even mean?

Rise Up!

Right now, my spirit is stirring--something that has not happended in such a long time. Over break, I got to the point where I finally realized that I simply wasn't seeking God at all. Bible reading was reduced to the weekly Sunday mass and my prayer life consisted of me crying out to God, "Lord, please make this day end!" But break has been good for me. I have finally allowed God to open my eyes and see some things. The first is that I want to change. I was telling one of my best friends the other day that I desire so deeply to be a better person. I want to be an incredible woman of God, someone that resembles Jesus in character so much that people immediatley think of the divine. I have aways to go, I know! But the desire remains. And I also realized that I desire to please God. It is a desire that I really haven't been pursuing. Somehow, in my drive to push my children towards academic excellence, I loss sight of my Father. I need Him--and so do my children. Indeed, they need me to remain in Him so that I give the most I can to them.

I feel like this is the year that I need to rise up. No more excuses. I want to go deeper. I want to know God more. I want to please Him in EVERYTHING I do. I want to see my world change before my eyes. I know that this kind of change is birthed in prayer.

I feel like God has called me to pray for certain individuals on a daily basis--seven students and three Teach for America staff members. If you would like to join me in praying for these individuals by name, please email me (bb1225@messiahe.edu). I am eager to watch how God literally transforms their lives.

My New Year

I spent New Year's Eve driving from Bigfork to Kyle, South Dakota, a journey of about sixteen hours. Yes, I know it wasn't very smart to drive on New Year's Eve, the day of the year with more drunk drivers than any other season. But I had my reasons so you are just going to have to trust me.

The journey started off rough. I had not driven two hours before when I reached for my cell phone to call my parents--only to realize that it was missing. Again. Now I know some of you think I am lying when I say "I lost my cell phone" after a long delay in answering your calls. Well, it really is gospel truth. I really do have the inability to keep track of it. Anyway, no cell phone meant I had no one to call in an emergency and no way for my parents to track my journey. Great.

I was scheduled to stop every four hours to fill up for gas and stretch. These stops are not allowed to extend beyond five minutes. I also took this time to contact home. Now, in the day of cell phones, you can't imagine how difficult it is to locate a pay phone. When you do find one--they really do make you pay. I ended up paying over 8 dollars just to call home three times last night. Ridiculous.

Aside from huge wind gusts that thought it helpful to carry my truck to South Dakota, the weather conditions were pretty mild. The roads were dry except for about an hour driving in Wyoming. I couldn't have ordered better conditions in January.

But things got a little dicey when I entered the familiar territory of South Dakota. I made my last phone call home from Rapid City, elated that I was only two hours from home. Unfortuatnely, those last two hours were without a doubt the most difficult of the 16 beacuse of three things: Kamakazee deer, potential drunk drivers and night riders.

Because I was driving through the Badlands, I knew I would see deer. In fact, I have probably never seen a higer concentration of deer and antelope than that one hour stretch though the Badlands leading into Kyle. But seeing deer is very different than encountering Kamikazee deer. I honestly think that the deer were toying with me for sport and many had a serious death wish. Maybe 2008 was a rough year for the deer population because begging me to prevent them for entering 2009 alive. Of the dozens and dozens of deer I saw, nearly all were standing on the side of the rooad. Furthermore, there pack was split in two--a half a dozen on the right side and a half a dozen on the left. Because of this set-up, I had to constantly dart my eyes back and forth to avoid hitting any. I slammed, and I mean slammed, on my breaks five times. I am a good deer spotter, so I wasn't too close to hitting any of them except one who decided to cross the street and then turn back for another flirt with death. Grrr. I can tell you that I was relieved to survive this first test.

The second test came as I entered into town. You see, I live in a place with one of the highest alcoholism rates in the country. And I was arriving shortly after midnight. I saw every car as a potentially plastered driver looking to come between me and my kids. Therefore, whenever I saw a car coming, I would slow down to about 1miles per hour and pull over the very edge of the road--preferring to make chances with the ditch rather than to a drunk driver coming at me at 70 mph. Thanks to God's grace, I didn't encounter and obviously drunk drivers.

The final unexpected twist reminded me of the uniqueness of my situation. I was just about to round the local landmark--Sharp's Corner--when I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. In the distance, it looked like something was running across the street, but I couldn't make anything out as it was pitch-black out. I thought it was just my headlights reflecting on the water in the street. When I flipped my turning signal on and slowed to turn, a figue came out of the darkness. I slammed on my breaks and was shocked to see a brown and white painted pony gallop past me. On his back, a Lakota man rode hard, hair flowing in the wind. I honestly would have thought I was hallucinating had not he let out a war cry that pierced the dark. He was gone in seconds.

Sometimes, I wonder if my life is real or not. I am sure most of you were sipping champagne or sparkling cider to usher in the New Year. Not me. I was driving past one of Crazy Horse's ancestors. Beat that.

Feliz Navidad

Yesterday was my first Christmas pageant. In our school, every grade sings a song. We chose Feliz Navidad. It was really crazy coordinating the effort, attempting to inspire the students to actually sing. We had them make shakers out of milk cartons and practiced the words over and over in our individual classrooms. And yesterday, we decided it was time for us to practice as an entire third grade. The experience was quite memorable. But what stood out to me was not the mumbling boys or the over expressive cool kids. It was the heat, the incredibly sweltering heat.

You see, there is a problem with the heating system in our pod of the school. During winter, it is so incredibly hot in our classroom. I am told that during the summer it will be incredibly cold. I do my best to keep the kids cool, but our fan is wimpy and we are required to keep the doors closed. Yesterday, we felt the heat even more keenly as 45 third graders jammed themselves into the pod area outside our doors. We had been practicing for about forty-five minutes when something quite alarming happened. The children had just practiced the about-face they have to at the beginning of the song when I saw my sweet little A, the most willing and compliant child I have ever met, crumple to the floor. I thought he tripped and didn’t want to embarrass him so I just nonchalantly asked him if he was okay, not wanting to draw to much attention to him. However, when he bounced back up, he was staggering back and forth as if here were drunk. I thought perhaps he had rolled his ankle so I rushed over to him. I caught him just in time before he fell to the floor again. He whispered to me, “Miss Brendsel, I am a little dizzy.” I finally realized that he had fainted from the heat. Truly alarmed I immediately started to lead him to the office. However, he could not walk and so I carried him to the water fountain (in my high heels). I made him drink some water to fight the dehydration. He seemed to feel revived and could walk better as I led him to the office. On the way, his grandmother, who happens to be Crazy M’s grandmother as well, ran into us. She was obviously very concerned and they took him to the clinic. Turns out it was indeed the heat—ironic since was about thirty below zero outside that day.

I ran into my principal yesterday and asked her how he was doing—it is her great-nephew that fainted and her great-niece that I lost. She seemed upset and said that I “keep it too hot in there.” She told me that I should open the doors. I was a bit annoyed as I have tried not to complain about the obvious heating problem in the room. I am not allowed to open the doors for safety reasons and I have a fan running all day long. There is little I can do about it. When I tactfully tried to note this, she dropped the matter.

Of all the children that trouble could be befall why does it always seem to follow the relations of my principal?

The Ripple Effect

There is no doubt that crazy M was very harshly rebuked for leaving without me. When she saw me today, the first thing she told me was "My grandma told me to tell you that I am sorry that I got you fired." Nice. I try to explain to her that I was not fired, but that I had resigned. Of course, she had no idea what that meant, so I had to tell her that I quit, which isn't really true--my contract only included the fall semester. I simply chose not to renew my contract for the spring. Anyway, after I told her that I 'quit' she looked up with sad eyes and said, "Did you quit because of me?" I almost cried. I cupped her little face in my hands and assured her she is the very last reason that I would quit. It was not her fault, but mine.

This incident disturbed me today, but it was even worse after I got this letter from her cousin today--the girl who had gone to the bathroom and had told me she was worried that Crazy M had left without her. Read what she wrote to me:

"Dear Miss Brendsel,

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry I'm so sorry that I will do anything if you forgive me I swere I will do anything. Im so sad. When my granma first toll me [you quit] I thought that you quit your hole job I was scared when I thought that I was about to faint. I'm emberessed to go to school now. I wished it never happened I wished I never went to that feild trip. your the best teacher in the world. If you quit, I would be mad at myself forever,

Love, H"

I cried my eyes out. I am still crying.

B

P.S. My aide gave my director my letter of resignation today. She was apparently very upset. She told him, "Did you hear that she lost a student?!" Who hasn't?

More Odds and Ends

So apparently I am not the worst teacher in history, as I thought after losing little M. I spoke with my principal, little's Ms great aunt, who told me that little's M's grandmother was not angry with me, but with little M. In fact, my principal said that it wasn't a big deal and that I should "chalk it up to experience." To say that I am relieved is the understatement of the year. I still know that she was my responsibility and that the fault remains with me, but I am now extending grace to myself as others have to me.

Now that I am in a lighter mood, I wanted to share with you a funny store about Crazy M's antics. We were riding back from Rapid and I was laying down on the seat, my eyes closed, wishing the day was over. I felt M touching me, but as to not encourage her, I said nothing. Finally, her giggles were too much and I peeked open an eye. I saw M with a giant smile on her face, gesturing towards my legs. I discovered that she had literally covered my body with stickers she had gotten from her Happy Meal. There were stickers on my jeans, my shoes, my ankles, my ears, etc. I actually found a sticker I missed in my hair just this morning. She was so proud of herself. What a crazy kid she is.

A Shameless Plus for LG Phones

So life goes on, I have learned. I slept in until 12:00 on Sunday and found out that I had still lost Maria on Saturday. At that point, I decided to get up and de-molt as it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself. My apartment lets air in like a sieve, so there was literally snow inside of my house. Plus, my apartment was so cold, the snow didn't melt. Nice. I therefore decided to spend yet another day in the classroom.

I worked/pretended to work in my classroom for a few hours. I was grading our second big unit test. Most of the third grade did really well. However, four kids did fail, earning grades below 50%. This was more than a little distressing for me. I could have hand-picked those kids who were doing poorly, a fact which reflects on my inability to teach them.

After working a few hours in my classroom, I decided to visit my country friends who were staying across the street in church housing. I love their family and it felt so good to just love on their children and talk with J. It was lovely. Needless to say, I was very hesitant to leave and re-enter the elements.

Speaking of the elements, I don't think I have given you the 411 on the weather here. Currently, it is hovering around 40 below when you factor in wind chill. Now I know some people think that it is somehow cheating to factor in the wind, but I think that it is ridiculous! If the wind makes it 40 below by golly I am saying it is 40 below!

Anyway, it was bitterly cold last night and remains such today. I was therefore scampering to my car after saying my goodbyes to my friends. I pulled into the school parking lot and dashed into my school. Actually, I spent about three minutes outside trying to unlock the ridiculous lock to the school. Once I got inside I took some time to dethaw.

Shortly after arriving in my classroom, I realized that my cell phone was gone--again. Now those of you who know me understand that this is a very regular occurrence for me. However, I had a hunch that it had fallen out of my pocket somewhere between church housing and the school. I knew my phone didn't have a chance in the 40 below weather so I decided to go check my truck and the parking lot.

I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off, searching for my phone, but to no avail. I finally relenquished my search, convinced that I had either left it at my friend's place or dropped it outside the housing on my way out. Either way, it could wait till morning.

Morning turned out to be a bit later than usual as school was canceled. Of course, I didn't know this so I am sitting in my classroom in my professional dress with no students to instruct. However, one good thing did come of arriving early--I found my phone!

Believe it or not, as I was sprinting towards the school this morning, I look down to see a bright silvery object glistening in the sunlight. I left a cry of exultation as I repossess my prodigal phone. Of course, I knew it wouldn't work after spending the night in 40 below weather with only a snow drift for a bed. However, I took it into the classroom and plugged it in for kicks. To my utter astonishment, it actually turned on! However, I could here nothing when I made a call, when I checked my voicemail, etc. There was this annoying little message that was fixated on my phone: "Car-kit Mode." Having no idea how to turn this mode off, I did what any 80s baby would do--I Googled it! Within seconds I found out that this is a message that usually appears as a result of water damage and in order to fix it, one must clean the port with a toothbrush. Because I was in my classroom, the best item I had for the task was a crumpled blue ticket. Well of all the miracles beyond miracles, it actually worked! My phone is healed! Yeah for LG!!!