Saturday, March 28, 2009

Some Thoughts On War


The majority of Americans have not seen war like I have. Sure, they may have seen movies or even have served in the military. But very few have actually seen the impact of war on women and children.

My first lesson on the ugliness of war was learned in the slums of Rio, Brazil when I was 18 years old. My team and I were standing at a place where rival gang members execute one another. It was at that moment that gun fire broke out near by us. We had to flee that place and seek shelter from the gunfight that had broken out. That night, as I saw a young man boldly swagger down the street with an A-K47 strapped to his body, I learned that 5 children are gunned down every day in the slums of Rio simply because they are viewed as a disposable nuisance. The place was literally a war zone and is often the case in war, it was the non-combatants that were paying the heaviest price.

And then when I was 21, I traveled to Rwanda. It was there that I learned what war really is. War is a 21-year-old girl named Febronie. My eyes filled with tears and I could barely breathe as this young woman, my age-mate, told me about the war in her country. She and her family were Tutsis and were therefore marked for slaughter. When the Hutus came, they grabbed her baby brother off her mother's back and hacked his limbs off before her eyes. They then raped her and younger sister and killed all of her uncles. She was seven at the time. War is Febronie.

War is Murambai Technical School where I saw the bodies of thousands of murdered men, women and children. Just fourteen years ago, the French aided the Hutus in luring 65,000 Tutusis to the school and then slaughtering them like cattle. I still remember the crushed skulls and faces forever frozen in terror and agony. But even more haunting than the bodies were the clothes of the victims. T-shirts, pants and dresses belonging to the slain victims hang eerily from clotheslines--seemingly lost without their owner. I still remember the garish Mickey Mouse face on one of the T-shirts. It seemed so out of place in that house of death. I wondered who its owner was. But what moved me most in Murambai was the man that showed me the site. He was not some well-paid tour guide. He was a survivor. His wife and child never made it out of Mumbai, hacked to death with a machete like so many others. He told me that he never left for he did not want to leave his wife and child. War is Murambai.

After Rwanda, I traveled to place called Soroti in Uganda. There I met 5000 refugees from the war in the northern part of the country. For four weeks, I spent 10 hours a day listening to the stories of the survivors of Joseph Kony's war. Nearly the entire camp was malnourished and lived in squalid conditions. HIV was rampant and the smell of despair clung to the place like a tick on the back of someones neck. One woman told me that when the rebels came, they forced her to kill her husband. They then made her cook his body and eat it. I could see madness in her eyes--trauma and guilt gnawing away at her soul. War is Soroti.

I then moved on to Gulu--the epicenter of much of the war. There I met Concy. She was kidnapped when she was 11 and forced to serve as a child soldier, slaughtering people she new, former friends. After being repeatedly raped, she gave birth to two children. When I asked where the other child was, she told me that he was killed by a grenade when he was four. Before this, she had recounted her story without a emotion. She then broke down, her body heaving with sorrow. Have you ever heard the wail of a wounded soul? I would dare say most of you have not. It is not a sound you will ever forget. It is a cry that can only produced when a person has experienced the deepest of agonies, a sound that can only come from a person who is experiencing a hemorrhage of the soul. I wish more people could hear that sound. I believe then they would understand what war really is. War is Concy.

What I am trying to tell you is that war is a very ugly thing. No matter how righteous the cause, any person that dies leaves someone behind who loves them. And far too often, war is not contained to merely those who wear uniforms and willingly choose to lay down their lives. Instead, it is often then innocents who suffer the most. Whether they are slaughtered, displaced, traumatized, raped, or orphaned, they often bare the heaviest burden.

It has been a long time since the United States had a war on its own soil. And it is far easier to let out the cry for war when that war will be fought on someone else's shores. But I beg you, the next time you find yourself lightly suggesting that we should just "nukethem" or "give them a little shock-and-awe" I would ask that you would remember the slums of Brazil, remember Febronie, remember Murambai, remember Soroti and remember Concy. War is not a video game that you can simply play again when you lose. War has very real and painful consequences--and not just for Americans.

So, I would ask that when your feelings of patriotic pride are simply gushing and the call to war seems inherently good, remember the cost.

B

Note: I am not suggesting that those who serve in the military are in any way acting immoral. I am merely asking you to consider the cost of war not just for those we love serving overseas, but for those who are not wearing a uniform.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Whatever Weather

I had the most amazing day today. Truly a gift from God. I spent the entire day with my Lakota family here in SD. Two of the girls in the family are in my class and the mother is my closest friend here. There are seven children in the family in all, though five are grandchildren from a previous marriage (complicated to explain). The mother is white and all the children have beautiful blond flowing hair. But they are Lakota to the core. The father is actually a very well known Native activist. Anyway, all ten of us, ranging in ages from 2 years to 45ish, roamed the Badlands for over three hours. Not only was is breathtakingly beautiful, but you will not believe what we found: dino bone fragments. I was just on cloud nine. It was so amazing to walk through history like that, family in tow. I could have stayed out there forever. After walking for three hours, we arrived at this spring and had a water fight. My hair is currently caked with algae, mud and sweat and I feel wonderful! We later went agate hunting in another area. I brought back about 30 pounds of amazing looking rocks. The kids each found arrowheads, which was so cool to me. I swear I found one, but the others seemed skeptical. Anyway, it proved to be a truly amazing day.

The weather was simply gorgeous. It hovered around 70, without a trace of humidity. My Cuban roots just soaked it up! I absolutely loved it! But then when I got home, I was shocked to see a weather warning for our area on my computer. This is what it currently is saying:

"A blizzard warning remains in effect from 12pm Monday to 6pm Tuesday. Rain will change to heavy snow late Monday morning and continue through Tuesday afternoon. Snow accumulations to range between 8 and 14 inches. Expect winds between 30 and 50mph."

Now we have had two blizzards since I have lived here, so I feel that I am getting used to them. But I assure you, if you could look outside right now and enjoy the 79 degree weather--I assure you that you would doubt the accuracy of this report.

But then you would remember its South Dakota and would go and get your snow boots on.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dear World: Tell me one more time my children can't learn...I dare you.

Today my children took their fourth unit test of the year in Social Studies--a really big deal in my class. These unit tests cover material from about six weeks of schooling. I grill them over and over again on the material and require them to study a two-page, detailed study guide. The test is very rigorous--not your mother's third grade test, if you know what I mean.

So how did my children do? The third grade averaged a 91%.

Immediately you might think, "It must have been easy" or "She probably helped them on the test." Well, your wrong. These children worked their tails off to earn their grades. I am simply in awe.

One of my students' previous high test grade was a low D. Today, she missed only 2, earning her first A of the quarter. I was nearly bursting with joy. I literally let out a shout of jubilation when I recorded her grade.

Another boy, who frequently refers to himself as 'dumb' almost cracked his face open today, grinning like a fool after earning an A on his test. I was grinning right back at home, unable and unwilling to contain my joy.

God is doing simple incredible things. He is changing lives. Thank you all so much for praying.

Love,

B

Monday, March 16, 2009

So How Do Joy and Sorrow Co-Mingle?

Throughout my travels, a single question has really persisted: how can such deep and full joy co-exist with such indescribable sorrow? This paradox remains a mystery to me as I again asked myself this question.

It was 70 degrees today. My hair was tightly french-braided, my skirt pink and airy and my smile huge. I feel that the arrival of spring is imminent and that brings me a lot of joy. Indeed, I felt such wonderful feelings of hope today.

By lunchtime, the sorrow that is Pine Ridge once again presented itself. One of the school principal's informed me that my aide's niece died today. Now my aide is such a sweet, helpful, decent guy. He already lost his grandmother (a huge deal in Lakota culture) and aunt this year. He also had his house broken into and got beat-up. This morning, he found out his niece died.

Later in the day, I found out we lost one of our high school freshman. Now, I am not certain it was my aide's niece, but it is tragic nonetheless. She was sixteen years old and pregnant. During the night, she had a seizure, which induced vomiting. She choked on her own bile and died.

Death and Pine Ridge Reservation have an intimate relationship that repulses me. How can it be a Heavenly day outside with children giggling in the hallways while children are having children and dying alone in the night? I just don't understand.

But you know what, I don't have to.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

More Mumblings About Marriage

Perhaps you are wondering now if this is a blog about the children in Room 170 or the philosophical ponderings of a single woman. Well, if you return to one of my first posts on this blog, you will note that I created this blog in part as a testimony to what God has been doing in my life. Well, God is currently refining how I view marriage so unfortunately for you, I'm going to reflect on this too.

Someone asked me today what I fear most about marriage. This is a good question and one that I think is important to reflect upon. Though this individual told me that being unhappy was their primary fear, I could not echo that sentiment. Though I used to be terrified of having an unhappy marriage, I no longer have that fear. Part of my freedom from this fear came when I realized that the purpose of marriage is ultimately not to make us happy, but to make us holy. Unlike virtually any other relationship, in a marriage relationship, we are reminded of our faults on a daily basis. If we do not submit to the Holy Spirit and allow the Lord to change our hearts, our marriage will no doubt be an unhappy one. But, if we choose to recognize our faults and pray that God gives us the grace to change, we will inevitably become more like Christ. And as we become more like Christ, our marriages will inevitably be more joyful. Thus, our primary aim should not be to seek happiness, but to seek holiness.

Just some thoughts that I have mulled over since reading a book called "Sacred Marriage."

B

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Submission: (Warning: I Doubt Most of My Girl Friends Will Like This)


I see a lot of broken homes living on this Rez. In fact, I would venture to say that at least 75% of my children live in homes without fathers. I would say nearly half live with their grandmother. This brokenness of the family has got me thinking about how the family structure was designed to function. In particular, I have been pondering what a husband and wife's relationship should look like.

Somewhere along the way, I started to believe that the idea that a woman should have to submit to her husband was outdated and more of a cultural thing than an applicable command that should be followed today. As I am a very reflective person, I started to ask myself why my hair bristles when someone suggests that a woman should submit to her husband. This is what I came up with:

Whenever I picture myself submitting to my husband, I can almost feel the tension and anger within me. Clearly, in submitting to my husband, I am silencing the call I have in my life and devaluing who I am as a person. Today, after listening to a thought-provoking sermon on Ephesians 5, I realized that the problem with my mental image is that I am always submitting to a beastly husband. Surprised, I transposed ogre husband with a man passionate after God's own heart. Suddenly, I find myself surprised at the realization that I would not only be wiling to submit to a man who loved the Lord and that I respected--I may actually appreciate this.

In all honesty, I can't think of one godly reason why I shouldn't submit to my husband (assuming I marry a godly man). I can't point to a scripture verse that says that I am head of the household. I can't even pretend to think that this would mean giving up the call God has on my life. I know that if God requires this of woman, the opposite would be the case--I would only draw closer to Jesus.

Finally, I think we often forget that men have, perhaps, an even more difficult command than we women. Paul extorts men to "love their wives as Christ loves the church." Wow. Now, I want you to think back to that act of Jesus, washing His disciples feet. Now super-impose that image with your husband. That is what He is called to do for you. Beautiful. Difficult. Amazing.

Thus, I have concluded that my resistance to submission is born not out of a godly fear of not fulfilling what God has called me to fulfill, but of pride. This pride has only been fed by growing up in a culture that boisterously declares that women do not need men. Though I believe that none can complete us by our Savior, I disagree that women do not need men. I think we need each other. I have come to this conclusion after working every day with 30-some children who have grown up without fathers. If you don't believe me, ask one of my father-less students if they would rather have both their father and mother or a super-mom, going-it-alone. I assure you, every time they would pick the father.

Just some thoughts, which may be revised at a later date.

B

Thursday, March 12, 2009

He Chooses the Weak

Today I met with my program director for Teach For America. He observed my classroom for an hour or so and we then debriefed afterwards. At this time, he informed me that the children in Room 170 are currently in the position of making more gains in reading than any other classroom in the near 20 year history of Teach For America. That is roughly 20,000 teachers, each teaching for a minimum of two years. That is big.

What makes me laugh is the fact that this is so obviously God you would have to be as dumb as block of wood to think a first-year teacher with no teaching experience could make such gains. It is God choosing the foolish of the world to shame the wise, the weak to shame the strong.

To make this official and give God an incredible amount of glory, my children need to do remarkably well on their reading test coming up in about six weeks. State tests are in just a few weeks. I ask that you would pray for miracles. God is the God of the impossible and to see Him so clearly displaying His intervention would be truly phenomenal. Please, please pray for my babies.

Lord God, I praise you for what you have done and what you will continue to do with your children in Room 170. I just fall on my face before you and praise you for your faithfullness.

Your servant,

B

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Praise God

Do you want to know something that is truly incredible? The Bible says that God works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose. It is just so cool to know that God is taking me through these trials for a reason.

It is so amazing to know that God brought me 3000 miles to meet a little girl, take her into my home and introduce her to her Father in Heaven. What incredible love.

The funny thing about a trial is that it only seems horrendous when your eyes are not on Jesus. When my thoughts are with my Father, I have amazing peace. I can know that if God is for me, who in blazing hell can be against me? NO ONE!

Satan, your time is up! Maria Rapha is a child of Light. She is forgiven and has been redeemed by God Almighty. She will not serve you. She is an instrument of righteousness. I see that you are trying to kill her, but I only rejoice for I know that you must see the potential she has within her to bring many to my Father. Give up now, for she is safe in her Father's hand. You have been defeated. I will not despair. I will not look through human eyes. I trust in my Father. I know that where the Light is, the darkness has to flee. So get out! Your time is up.

From,
A servant of the Most High God

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Deep, Deep Anger

At lunch today, Maria Rapha came up to me and said this:

"My grandma says you don't want me anymore." I was very near trembling with the feelings of anguish and rage that swelled up inside of me. I tried to convince her that this was not the case, but when I looked into her eyes, I could see the damage had already been done. She already believed I had discarded her like an old sock. I could have fallen to my knees right there in the middle of the lunch room floor and just wept with grief.

Please pray for Maria Rapha---she needs a touch from Jehovah Rapha.

B

Monday, March 9, 2009

Trust

It is with deep sadness that I must tell you all that Maria Rapha will no longer be living with me. I can say very little about the situation expect that over the weekend I saw how deep Maria Rapha's scars really are. After expressing my concerns to her family, her grandmother made the decision to take Maria Rapha back. I don't think she is coming back this time.

Please pray for the following things:

That Maria Rapha does not feel unwanted or discarded as neither she nor I suggested that she be removed.


Emotional and psychological healing for Maria Rapha.

Strength and trust for me.

I love you all and hope you continue to read this blog to hear about what is happening in Room 170.

B

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Deep Darkness

I have faced many challenges in my 23 years of life. That is what happens when you strive to live a non-complacent life. But I assure you, of all of those challenges, I have never, ever even imagined a storm could be as dark and terrifying as the one that I now see rolling in. Indeed,I believe this in my great trial--my first real baptism by fire. I can't express the severity of the situation or disclose the details. All I can say is that I have never ever in my life needed prayer more than now.

I am broken and afraid. Please pray for me.

B

P.S. I will never ever doubt the goodness of God. Light is more powerful than darkness. God will never leave me or forsake me. I know that God is not going to give me anything that I cannot handle. He will cling to me and hold me through this storm. And I will praise the goodness of my God. He has forgiven me. What can man do to me?

Saturday, March 7, 2009

"Dear Lord: Let me know if I am going to get married or not. It's up to you. If I am, you'll pick him out for me."

So were these profound words uttered by a trusting post-college woman? Actually, you may be surprised to hear that Maria Rapha prayed this prayer tonight. It was incredible.

A bit of background for you: When I first met Maria Rapha, one of the first things she confidently declared was that she was never getting married because "all men do is cheat". It soon became evident to me that she had been taught to have a very low opinion of men. Furthermore, there is not a single married couple in her life. For her, it is natural for children to be born out of wedlock to teen girls and for men to live with, beat and cheat on their girlfriends. This perspective really disturbs me, for obvious reasons. Therefore, I have taken every opportunity that has presented itself to discuss a godly few of the male species.

To send forth the truth about relationships between men and women, I have shared from my own personal experiences. Now, those of you who know me may think that this means that I had nothing to talk about! Quite the contrary. Over and over again I have told her that I don't know if I am going to get married, but I know that if God wants me to, he is going to pick out my husband for me. When she asked why marriage was so important, I asked her if she wanted her child to grow up without seeing her father. I knew it was a painful question for her since her father lives in Kyle and yet has virtually no contact with her. I could tell that the question resonated with her because she shook her head in the negative, her eyes filled with pain.

Soon after the first of these conversations, Maria Rapha began praying for my husband and my future children--something that really surprised me since I really don't talk about either possibilities unless she first inquires. When she was praying for my children, she said something like this "And if they think that she is mean because she gets after them, let them know she is really kind." I was so moved.

After she started praying for my husband and children, I started praying for hers and mine. I declared in Jesus name that she would have a husband who loved the Lord and loved her. He would be a man who treated her right and was faithful to her. Her children would grow up knowing their father. Maria Rapha would begin to be the healer in her family by ending the cycle of broken relationships that her mother had inherited and could potentially pass down to her daughter. Things will be different for her.

So after that bit of background, I want you to read these words again and ask yourself if or if not the Lord is working in the heart of this little girl:

"Dear Lord: Let me know if I am going to get married or not. It's up to you. If I am, you'll pick him out for me."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Question


I was sitting on the couch, working on my unit exam. I had my arm around Maria and she rested contentedly as I typed (a rare event). She then randomly (though never random in a child's mind) asked me this question: "Miss Brendsel, how are babies made?" I slowly turned my head towards her and said, "That's a good question--for when you are 85." She said nothing for a few moments and then said, "You mean when I am 19 or 20?" Yeah, sure.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Dead at 12 Hours

Hoki Shadrach the First died within 12 hours of me giving him to Maria Rapha. To be honest, I think it began its death after hour 1, but tenaciously fought for life. By morning, he was dead.

What was I thinking agreeing to get her a fish? I might as well have flushed cash down the toilet.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Maria Rapha's Antics


So Maria Rapha moved back in with me today. I honestly have very mixed feelings. A big part of me is really glad that she is back as I believe it is in her best interest. Another part of me (aka my flesh) is rebellious. I find it rather pleasant living alone and being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. However, I think my soul is winning my flesh right now.

So I thought I might share some of Maria Rapha’s antics from today. We started off with reading—our sore point last time. She made no complaints of reading, but I could tell the wheels were turning. It soon became very obvious that she was deliberately missing words. I am not kidding. She would see a work like ‘tall’ and say something like ‘come.’ I tried to wait out, hoping she would just stop. She didn’t. Finally, I told her we were going to stop. She said, “Thank you.” I told her we were stopping because I knew she was deliberately reading poorly. When I told her we would continue later, her attitude quickly changed and she actually put some effort forth.

The next episode involves the pet fish I bought her over the weekend. I named him Shadrach. She wanted to name him something else and I could do little to stop her, though I felt sorry for the poor fish because I knew his name would be embarrassing. Her first suggestion was ‘Hoki.” Now, you have to give me some grace here because I will admit that I blurted before I thought. I cried, “Like Hoki-Poki?!” She then put her head on her chest and fought back the tears. She mumbled, “That’s my dad’s name.” Smooth one Brittany, smooth one.

But in all fairness to me, I didn’t want her fish being named after her dad because I am pretty sure the poor thing is going to end up dead. During our nightly readings, my suspicions were pretty near confirmed. I turned to say goodnight to Hoki Shadrach the First when my mouth drops open in horror. Half of the fish’s fin was floating at the top of the bowl. I sharply turned to Maria Rapha and sheepishly explained that they “might” have ripped off when she was cleaning his water. Poor fish.

Anyway, please continue to pray for us as we both die to our flesh daily.

B

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Fighting for Peace

This last few days have been so challenging. On Thursday night, Maria Rapha told me that she was moving out. I called her grandmother and she told me that she could not move back in with her, but that she would call her mom to pick her up. She also said that she would talk with Maria Rapha the next day at school.

On Friday, I saw little of Maria Rapha. However, I did hear that she was taken to the dentist to have her tooth pulled. She was back by the end of the school day. I didn't see her grandmother so had no opportunity to speak with her. After school, Maria Rapha is usually waiting in my classroom for me to return after shepherding my kids onto their buses. On Friday, she was not there. Around 4:00, she pops into my room and informs me (not asks) that she is spending the night with her grandmother but would be back on Saturday since her grandmother had plans. I was a bit shocked so made no reply before she dashed away. I later was very upset as no one had asked me my opinion on this or told me what time she would be back on Saturday. I called her grandmother, but her grandkid said she was in the bath, but she would have her call me. I waited several hours. She never called.

I woke up Saturday in a rather foul mood. I needed to go to Rapid for supplies, but had no idea when Maria Rapha would be coming. I waited until 3:00 before I finally just left and went to work in my classroom. Maria Rapha never came that day and I never received a phone call.

Today, I went to church as usual. I had a really good time and was really blessed by some college students visiting the reservation. I lingered longer than most as a friend and I planned on going to Rapid together and I was waiting for him to pick me up. However, he experienced some car trouble so I walked home and have been waiting for him here.

About ten minutes ago, I got a knock on the door. I ran over, expecting it to be my friend. You guessed it--it was Maria Rapha. She and her cousins were at my front door like it was the most normal thing in the world. Maria Rapha tried to rush in to show her cousin her room. I pulled her back outside and asked her what in blazes was going on. She nonchalantly told me that she was moving back in. I was speechless. She went on to explain that her grandmother (my principal) told her that she had better stay as she wouldn't become a better reader if she kept moving around. I really didn't know what to say. I admit that I was pretty angry at the ridiculousness of the situation. Not only had she changed her mind--again, but no one bothered to tell me about it or ask me if I would take her back. Furthermore, they just drop her at my door, without calling beforehand. I then explained to Maria Rapha that I was going to Rapid and that she simply could not come. One of her cousins ran down to tell her grandmother while Maria went and got some clothes. Part of me (a big part) just wanted to avoid confronting her grandmother about what had transpired. But, a bigger part of me knew that it was time for me to grow up. I followed Maria Rapha down to the car and spoke with her grandmother.

When I got to her grandmother's car, I asked her what was going on. She told me that Maria Rapha had decided to stay. I was incredulous. I stated, quite firmly, that I would take her this last time, but if she moved back in with me, she had to stay the rest of the year--there could be no option of leaving. I think she was kind of taken aback. She agreed and said that Maria Rapha needed to get her butt in gear. Having said my piece and firmly stated my conditions, I said goodbye to everyone and told Maria Rapha I would see her on Monday.

If anyone has any idea what God is up to, please let me know, though I am fighting for my peace.

B