Looking for God is All the Wrong Places

One of my biggest fears is drowning. I actually am afraid of very few things, but drowning is without a doubt a very real fear for me. That is why, when I expressed my discouragement and near-panicked feelings today to a friend, I was surprised when she said "You feel like you are drowning." I was surprised not because she was wrong, but because she was right on and I wondered how I hadn't come to this conclusion myself.

You see, I have felt of late like I was drowning. There are only 16 school days left and work to be done than you can imagine. I feel as if I am missing deadlines left and right. Though no one has expressed this sentiment to me, quite the opposite in fact, I feel as if I am failing everyone--failing as a teacher, a friend, a maid of honor, a sister, a daughter, a logistics manager and most of all, as a believer. I feel as if I am slowing drowning and as I sink lower and lower, the light from the surface gets dimmer and dimmer.

Tonight, I really could not take it anymore. After receiving what I would deem as 'bad news' I threw on a pair of sweatpants, grabbed a mango I had been saving for such a time as this, hunted down my keys, grabbed a blanket and let the tears flow. I was soon in my truck just driving away from Kyle. I was exactly sure where I was going, but I knew I needed to get out of Kyle for a bit and find some place I could talk to God.

I found myself driving along the country road where my friends live. I pulled off to the side of the dirt road, a few miles outside of Kyle. I climbed into the bed of my truck, looked at the stars and started to pray.

I won't tell you exactly what I prayed as it was a conversation between me and God, but I will admit that I asked for a sign. It is something I have begging God for since I was in my early teens. A part of me is so desperate to see Jesus face to face or witness the heavens part and angels ascend and descend. As I sat on the toolbox of my truck, peering at one of the brightest moonlit nights I had ever seen, I realized that I didn't need a sign--my life was full of them. Since I was young, God has been speaking to me and showing me that He is with me. Though this has never been an audible voice, I have known, at times, that God is speaking to me without a shadow of a doubt. Tonight, after I had started driving home upon reaching the conclusion that I did not in fact need a sign, these words drifted along the edges of my heart "But God was not there...." I knew immediately where the words had come from:

"And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind and earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.

You see, I seem to expect to find God is the big things that draw the eyes of onlookers and that surprise and astonish. But tonight, I was reminded that God is in the small things. He is found in Lulu's gap-toothed smile, Rayiita and her love of dandelions, Tye leading the class, Z's passion for the earth--this is where God is found.

And even though at times I cannot see, I still believe.

B