Trust

It is with deep sadness that I must tell you all that Maria Rapha will no longer be living with me. I can say very little about the situation expect that over the weekend I saw how deep Maria Rapha's scars really are. After expressing my concerns to her family, her grandmother made the decision to take Maria Rapha back. I don't think she is coming back this time.

Please pray for the following things:

That Maria Rapha does not feel unwanted or discarded as neither she nor I suggested that she be removed.

Emotional and psychological healing for Maria Rapha.

Strength and trust for me.

I love you all and hope you continue to read this blog to hear about what is happening in Room 170.

B

Deep Darkness

I have faced many challenges in my 23 years of life. That is what happens when you strive to live a non-complacent life. But I assure you, of all of those challenges, I have never, ever even imagined a storm could be as dark and terrifying as the one that I now see rolling in. Indeed,I believe this in my great trial--my first real baptism by fire. I can't express the severity of the situation or disclose the details. All I can say is that I have never ever in my life needed prayer more than now.

I am broken and afraid. Please pray for me.

B

P.S. I will never ever doubt the goodness of God. Light is more powerful than darkness. God will never leave me or forsake me. I know that God is not going to give me anything that I cannot handle. He will cling to me and hold me through this storm. And I will praise the goodness of my God. He has forgiven me. What can man do to me?

"Dear Lord: Let me know if I am going to get married or not. It's up to you. If I am, you'll pick him out for me."

So were these profound words uttered by a trusting post-college woman? Actually, you may be surprised to hear that Maria Rapha prayed this prayer tonight. It was incredible.

A bit of background for you: When I first met Maria Rapha, one of the first things she confidently declared was that she was never getting married because "all men do is cheat". It soon became evident to me that she had been taught to have a very low opinion of men. Furthermore, there is not a single married couple in her life. For her, it is natural for children to be born out of wedlock to teen girls and for men to live with, beat and cheat on their girlfriends. This perspective really disturbs me, for obvious reasons. Therefore, I have taken every opportunity that has presented itself to discuss a godly few of the male species.

To send forth the truth about relationships between men and women, I have shared from my own personal experiences. Now, those of you who know me may think that this means that I had nothing to talk about! Quite the contrary. Over and over again I have told her that I don't know if I am going to get married, but I know that if God wants me to, he is going to pick out my husband for me. When she asked why marriage was so important, I asked her if she wanted her child to grow up without seeing her father. I knew it was a painful question for her since her father lives in Kyle and yet has virtually no contact with her. I could tell that the question resonated with her because she shook her head in the negative, her eyes filled with pain.

Soon after the first of these conversations, Maria Rapha began praying for my husband and my future children--something that really surprised me since I really don't talk about either possibilities unless she first inquires. When she was praying for my children, she said something like this "And if they think that she is mean because she gets after them, let them know she is really kind." I was so moved.

After she started praying for my husband and children, I started praying for hers and mine. I declared in Jesus name that she would have a husband who loved the Lord and loved her. He would be a man who treated her right and was faithful to her. Her children would grow up knowing their father. Maria Rapha would begin to be the healer in her family by ending the cycle of broken relationships that her mother had inherited and could potentially pass down to her daughter. Things will be different for her.

So after that bit of background, I want you to read these words again and ask yourself if or if not the Lord is working in the heart of this little girl:

"Dear Lord: Let me know if I am going to get married or not. It's up to you. If I am, you'll pick him out for me."

The Question

I was sitting on the couch, working on my unit exam. I had my arm around Maria and she rested contentedly as I typed (a rare event). She then randomly (though never random in a child's mind) asked me this question: "Miss Brendsel, how are babies made?" I slowly turned my head towards her and said, "That's a good question--for when you are 85." She said nothing for a few moments and then said, "You mean when I am 19 or 20?" Yeah, sure.

Dead at 12 Hours

Hoki Shadrach the First died within 12 hours of me giving him to Maria Rapha. To be honest, I think it began its death after hour 1, but tenaciously fought for life. By morning, he was dead.

What was I thinking agreeing to get her a fish? I might as well have flushed cash down the toilet.

Maria Rapha's Antics

So Maria Rapha moved back in with me today. I honestly have very mixed feelings. A big part of me is really glad that she is back as I believe it is in her best interest. Another part of me (aka my flesh) is rebellious. I find it rather pleasant living alone and being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. However, I think my soul is winning my flesh right now.

So I thought I might share some of Maria Rapha’s antics from today. We started off with reading—our sore point last time. She made no complaints of reading, but I could tell the wheels were turning. It soon became very obvious that she was deliberately missing words. I am not kidding. She would see a work like ‘tall’ and say something like ‘come.’ I tried to wait out, hoping she would just stop. She didn’t. Finally, I told her we were going to stop. She said, “Thank you.” I told her we were stopping because I knew she was deliberately reading poorly. When I told her we would continue later, her attitude quickly changed and she actually put some effort forth.

The next episode involves the pet fish I bought her over the weekend. I named him Shadrach. She wanted to name him something else and I could do little to stop her, though I felt sorry for the poor fish because I knew his name would be embarrassing. Her first suggestion was ‘Hoki.” Now, you have to give me some grace here because I will admit that I blurted before I thought. I cried, “Like Hoki-Poki?!” She then put her head on her chest and fought back the tears. She mumbled, “That’s my dad’s name.” Smooth one Brittany, smooth one.

But in all fairness to me, I didn’t want her fish being named after her dad because I am pretty sure the poor thing is going to end up dead. During our nightly readings, my suspicions were pretty near confirmed. I turned to say goodnight to Hoki Shadrach the First when my mouth drops open in horror. Half of the fish’s fin was floating at the top of the bowl. I sharply turned to Maria Rapha and sheepishly explained that they “might” have ripped off when she was cleaning his water. Poor fish.

Anyway, please continue to pray for us as we both die to our flesh daily.

B

Fighting for Peace

This last few days have been so challenging. On Thursday night, Maria Rapha told me that she was moving out. I called her grandmother and she told me that she could not move back in with her, but that she would call her mom to pick her up. She also said that she would talk with Maria Rapha the next day at school.

On Friday, I saw little of Maria Rapha. However, I did hear that she was taken to the dentist to have her tooth pulled. She was back by the end of the school day. I didn't see her grandmother so had no opportunity to speak with her. After school, Maria Rapha is usually waiting in my classroom for me to return after shepherding my kids onto their buses. On Friday, she was not there. Around 4:00, she pops into my room and informs me (not asks) that she is spending the night with her grandmother but would be back on Saturday since her grandmother had plans. I was a bit shocked so made no reply before she dashed away. I later was very upset as no one had asked me my opinion on this or told me what time she would be back on Saturday. I called her grandmother, but her grandkid said she was in the bath, but she would have her call me. I waited several hours. She never called.

I woke up Saturday in a rather foul mood. I needed to go to Rapid for supplies, but had no idea when Maria Rapha would be coming. I waited until 3:00 before I finally just left and went to work in my classroom. Maria Rapha never came that day and I never received a phone call.

Today, I went to church as usual. I had a really good time and was really blessed by some college students visiting the reservation. I lingered longer than most as a friend and I planned on going to Rapid together and I was waiting for him to pick me up. However, he experienced some car trouble so I walked home and have been waiting for him here.

About ten minutes ago, I got a knock on the door. I ran over, expecting it to be my friend. You guessed it--it was Maria Rapha. She and her cousins were at my front door like it was the most normal thing in the world. Maria Rapha tried to rush in to show her cousin her room. I pulled her back outside and asked her what in blazes was going on. She nonchalantly told me that she was moving back in. I was speechless. She went on to explain that her grandmother (my principal) told her that she had better stay as she wouldn't become a better reader if she kept moving around. I really didn't know what to say. I admit that I was pretty angry at the ridiculousness of the situation. Not only had she changed her mind--again, but no one bothered to tell me about it or ask me if I would take her back. Furthermore, they just drop her at my door, without calling beforehand. I then explained to Maria Rapha that I was going to Rapid and that she simply could not come. One of her cousins ran down to tell her grandmother while Maria went and got some clothes. Part of me (a big part) just wanted to avoid confronting her grandmother about what had transpired. But, a bigger part of me knew that it was time for me to grow up. I followed Maria Rapha down to the car and spoke with her grandmother.

When I got to her grandmother's car, I asked her what was going on. She told me that Maria Rapha had decided to stay. I was incredulous. I stated, quite firmly, that I would take her this last time, but if she moved back in with me, she had to stay the rest of the year--there could be no option of leaving. I think she was kind of taken aback. She agreed and said that Maria Rapha needed to get her butt in gear. Having said my piece and firmly stated my conditions, I said goodbye to everyone and told Maria Rapha I would see her on Monday.

If anyone has any idea what God is up to, please let me know, though I am fighting for my peace.

B