Challenges

Friends-

I am not going to lie, this year has been harder than I ever imagined. I usually, though not always, can hold back my tears until I get home. But every single day, I just sit down and weep.

My classroom is essentially a disaster. The situations is such that I cannot teach a lesson. It's not just that they are disruptive, though this is often the case. No, I have found that even when they are not talking, they really aren't listening at all. It is as if I am talking to air.

We are three weeks into the school year and I am terrified. I am terrified that I this will continue the entire year and that my children will learn absolutely nothing this year.

I feel like God is so far away. Last year, I knew that He was working in the heart's of my children and my heart every day. I just can't sense that anymore.

As you can see, I could really use prayers. Please pray that God turns our classroom around and that I can see His hands at work.

B

Rosebud

Today I had to attend a required Teach For America event. The event was held on Rosebud Reservation in a little town called St. Francis. The drive is about two hours away. Last night I made plans to follow Rachel, the new 5th grade teacher and now a good friend of mine. However, this morning her and her roommate got up late and in the panic, they left without telling me. I therefore found myself alone, which I am used to. However, I have been having some troubles with my truck as my battery is dying and one of my front tires is leaking. I also didn't know how to get to St. Francis so I had to go to the school and print a map. As a result, I was pretty stressed as I tried to make it to St. Francis on time. Thankfully, I walked in right on schedule.

The three hour meeting was very good. It provided me with some really concrete action items to improve my plans for this year. I am really excited to make some revisions to my plans and be more strategic this year. It was also really nice to see the entire corps--all 62 of us. Because we are spread out across two reservations, there are some teachers that I almost never see. It was good to catch-up with a few friends.

After the meeting, Rachel decided to ride back with me so we could go to the Rosebud Fair, which is basically a pow-wow. Sadly, we couldn't find it and by the time we realized we had passed it, we decided not to turn around. Instead, we decided to take some time going home by stopping and taking some pictures. In particular, we stopped in Allen on Pine Ridge Rez near this absolutely stunning stretch of land chalk full of sunflowers. I snapped some photos. Here are a few:








Life is just beautiful.

B

P.S. By the way, I find it completely annoying that the pictures always look low-resolution when posted. However, if you want to, you can click to enlarge them and they will become higher quality.

Today was such a beautiful day in so many ways. I entered the classroom armed with a renewed resolve to fight for my children--even if I had to fight them in the process. I also purposed in my heart that I would do whatever I could to invest my children by simply getting to know them. And so today I did just that, got to know my children. Can I tell you how beautiful it was?

--Al is such a sweet little girl. She is bright and eager to please. I can tell that she has a supportive family at home that is invested in her education.
--Ad is without a doubt my biggest behavioral challenge. However, he is a natural leader whom I requested to be in my classroom. Of all of my students, I think that I can perhaps do the most for him in terms of altering his future.
--Ta is such an interesting kid. He is one of my most academically proficient students and has a clever sense of humor.
--Li is a gem. She reminds me so much of her cousin whom I had last year. She is probably my most academically advanced student and I find her presence to be refreshing.
--Ge, well I love to see that smile of his. I have to work extra hard to keep him engaged, but he is so worth it.
--Je is one of the most likable boys I have ever encountered. He is really sharp and so pleasant to be around. He is what you would call a "cool" kid, but he is real respectful just the same.
--Te is such a sweet little boy. He is sensitive and already loves his teacher. He brings me pencils and erasers and scoots real close to me so I will give him a hug. He has my heart.
--Ga is going to have his world rocked this year. You can just tell that he has suffered much already in his short life. He is often morose and withdrawn but when I can coax a smile, I feel like I have won the lottery.
--Hu is my last girl. I had her brother and know her sister. She is also sweet and intelligent but her home life is difficult. She is also one of those children I feel like I am fighting to save from a intense brokenness.
--Da is my lowest reader and writer. He is literally illiterate. He has really low self-esteem, but I am hoping to draw out the boy-wonder that I know is inside of him.
--An is my last student. He was labeled as a "monster" by his former teachers. This year is going to be different. By the end, the 4th grade teachers will be begging to have him.

Pray for my babies.

Love,
B

Photos

For those of you who don't have Facebook but would like to see some photos I've taken over the past few weeks, take a look:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2066970&id=55300229&l=8b26166866

Love,

B

If Anything Would Ever Drive Me to the Bottle...

...the past week would do it.

I met my new class last Wednesday. It was probably the worst day of school I have had in the year I have taught here. I had 7 boys and three girls. The next day didn't get any better--except that I got one more boy. I now have 8 boys and 3 girls. And on Wednesday and Thursday of last week, I just cried my eyes out. I haven't cried this hard since my uncle died. In a way, I did feel as if I had lost someone--19 students to be exact. I missed my old students and just wept over the fact that we were no longer together. I was angry at the new kids for not being my old children and was even angry at their ridiculous behavior.

We have now had 5 teaching days. In that time I have had one student call another's sister a whore, one call another boy with a facial deformity "Chinese Butt," a situation where a student bolted--twice and I had to chase him down in my high-heels. (I caught him in the parking lot, curled up in fetal position, weeping. It took me a very long time to coax him back into the classroom and convince his grandmother not to let him go home, as he wanted.) In short, I have more behavioral problems over these last five days than I had all 165 combined last year. It is truly ridiculous. Please pray for me. Today I just got angry. I had enough of their disrespect and blatant disregard for rules and consequences.

On the flip side, I see that God has given me children who need me so much. Please pray that God gives me His heart for these children. Pray that I love them with everything that is within me.

Take care,

B

No Fear

Dear Father-

You know that I am so tired and more than a little frightened. It is past 9:00 and I have so much to do still. I don't even have all of my day planned yet. I feel disorganized and like a failure. There is a cricket somewhere in my house that is driving me crazy and my cell phone is lost. I had several teachers "warn" me about my future students. I can feel the battle waging around me.

I don't feel victorious. I feel weak and ill-equipped. But you know, Father I am going to choose to trust you. I know that your will is far superior to my weakness. I know that you can use a broken vessel like me to bring about positive change. I know that you have already won the battle. I know that you have chosen me and will never ever abandon me. And so Father, I lift up my head and cry out, "I AM YOURS!" May your will be done. I submit myself to you. I shall not be afraid. I will NOT be afraid or shaken. I am like a tree planted by the water of Life. I will be strong and courageous, I will not be terrified, I will not be discouraged for you are with me wherever I go.

I love you so much,

B

Bonding, Birthdays and Bullying

Yesterday I went to the Kyle Fair, though the actual event doesn't really jive with the traditional images of fair. Instead, it consists of a three day Pow-Wow and several vendors selling food, arts and crafts. Sunday was the last day, but the first I was able to get out to.

Unlike last year, I am really making an effort to get know the new corps members. So, before leaving for the fair I had dinner with the new 5th grade teacher, whom I am very fond of. I think she is going to be an excellent teacher. Joining us for dinner were three other TFA teachers. During that time I realized how truly jaded our generation is when it comes to issues of faith. One girl referred to religion as a "buffet" from which we choose what we like and don't like. I had to refrain from shuttering. I just let them talk, but noted the different views each of them had on faith.

R and I headed out to the fair after dinner. I brought my camera and had way too much fun. I saw so many of my students I couldn't help but snap away. The first shot is of our new 5th grade teacher.






I then went home to attend K's 9th birthday party. When I arrived, they had already eaten dinner, but we sang and we had some cake and ice cream. Here are a few shots from that event:








So after a short while at K's house, I decided to take her and her cousin to the fair. Here is K getting her shoes on. Don't you love her face?:


When we got back to the fair, K and I just walked round and round the pow-wow grounds, much like teens did at the football games in high school. After about two laps, we ran into a group of girls who were in the fifth grade last year. I know that most of the girls really like me a lot and want me to like them as well. However, they are undoubtedly the most disrespectful and rebellious kids in the elementary. Most of them are really into some heavy stuff. Anyway, K and I are walking but are soon stopped as this gang of girls literally surrounds us. They are really close and begin taunting me. They start running their hands through my hair and flicking it around. They called me names like "poodle" and "baby doll" referring to my hair. I was really really ticked off and a wave of emotions swelled over me. I haven't been degraded like that since I was a young girl and I really wanted to stick it to those girls. But K was with me and I didn't want to give them more power than they had. So I leaned forward and looked into the eyes of the ring-leader, a girl with so much pain in her heart. I said "Baby, one day you are going to have to make a choice whether to keep heading on the path you are on or get some help. When you are ready to change, I'll be here. I care about you." And then I took K and walked away.

K later asked me about the exchange I just told her that those girls were hurting and didn't know how to deal with it. My thoughts were only reaffirmed when the ring-leader and a friend tried to cut K and I off were their bicycle as we were walking to my truck to go home. She kept calling out for me saying things like, "I have a message from the boy you came with! He is waiting for you and wants to snag you. Hey you, come back here! Don't walk away from me when I am talking to you! Hey-you're not my friend anymore!" I never slowed down and never even acknowledged her, but she grieved me. I was pondering how to deal with her in the future and I feel like God is urging me to say this whenever she is asking out, "I am sorry you are hurting. I love you." Please pray for her and the other hurting girls on Pine Ridge.

B