Motions

As I write these thoughts I am curled up in my bed, wrapped in bright green cloth from India. I am trying to grasp for the write words for this post, but they continue to allude me. Part of the problem is that I am distracted by a new addition to my bedroom wall--a star quilt. It really is breathtaking. Its made up of magnificent red hues which when partnered, truly stir something in my soul. Part of me dislikes to look at it for when I see it, it awakens feelings of adventure, longing and mystery within me. It makes me want to dive into God's purpose head first. Sounds great, right? Wrong! Well, not exactly wrong, but certainly more than a bit annoying when you are choosing complacency over abundant life.

I have ever reason to be dancing with absolute adulation right now:

Since the beginning of the year, I am the only teacher to not lose a single student to transferring, dropping out, etc. In fact, I have gone from 17 to 19 students, making my class the largest in the school.

Though there are only six days left of school, my children continue to attend school and continue to work which is certainly abnormal.

My homeroom students met their big goal of 2.5 years average growth in a single year. That is over 24 months of school in just nine months. This goal is likely a Teach For America record. In addition, the whole third grade, averaged an 85% on assessments--5% higher than needed to meet TFAs standard of excellence.

I was given Little Wound's Teacher Of the Year Award tonight and given a breathtaking star quilt.

My parents came up to visit me a few days ago and met my babies, who loved them.

I am flying to Boston tomorrow to see my best friend for the first time in over a year.

Etc. Etc. Etc.

What I am trying to say is that things are going well. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has done such incredible things through me this year. I have literally seen every single one of the prayers I prayed before I arrived, answered. So why am I so restless and unhappy?

As I stare at my star quilt and type away, I realize that the answer can be found in the lyrics to the song I a listening to over and over:

This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

So there is my answer...I am just going through the motions. And I can't take it anymore.

Breathe life into my Father.