We Moved

After much consideration, I have decided to move my blog to the following website:

notyourgrandmasclassroom.blogspot.com

My new blog will focus almost solely on my classroom and is attended for a more diverse audience. For those of you who have faithfully followed Lakota Rapha, thank you so much.

Always,
B

If You Are Willing

40 A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, "If you are willing, you can make me clean."

41 Jesus was indignant. He reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" 42 Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed.

I am so drawn to accounts of healing in the Bible for so many reasons. In fact, I have been drawn to healing for a long time. I have always been drawn to medical missions, I studied pre-med for a year at college and my blog and dog are both named "Rapha" which is Hebrew for Healer. Why the obsession with healing? I think it is because I feel so wounded and broken. I have so many hurts brought upon mostly by my own failings. But the accounts of healing in the Bible bring hope.

Today I was reading the above passage from Mark. I have read this account so many times, but I was struck once again by a couple of things. First, I love the audacity of the unclean man. He dares approach a religious leader who has gained quite a following, knowing (perhaps even believing) that he could be cast away because of his unclean state. In fact, according to Hebrew law of the time, if a Jewish person came into physical contact with a person who had leprosy, they would be unclean and must offer a sacrifice and go through purification. Religious leaders of the day went to great lengths to avoid becoming unclean. Despite this, this man comes to Jesus.

What does he do when He reaches this Man? He falls on his knees and begs Him to heal him. Though he is bold to come before this Jesus, he is humble enough to recognize his place--at Jesus' feet. What's more, you can almost hear his heart breaking as he begs Jesus to cleanse him. Still then, as his heart breaks open, there is a declaration of faith "....You can make me clean." If there is any doubt in this man's heart, it is not regarding Jesus' supernatural abilities. Instead, it seems to me what the man is really asking is "Am I lovable?"

And then look at what Jesus does. Mark tells us that Jesus was indignant. Jesus' frustration and anger was not directed at the man humbly before his feet. Instead, I think it was at the evil in the world that had wounded one of his children so much that he questioned whether or not Jesus loved him. But Jesus gives his answer to the man's questions--the physical question "Will you heal me?" and the spiritual "Will you love me?" He does so when he reaches out and touches him. Do you see how Jesus actually touches this unclean man before he heals him? How powerful is that? In our most unclean state, when we are at the fee of Jesus, begging Him to make us clean, asking Him if He still loves us, he reaches out and touches us in our brokenness. And as the rest of the passage shows, the man left a clean man.

We can never purify our hearts apart from God. We can only fall at His feet and trust in the wonderful knowledge that He is willing to reach out and touch us when we are the most unclean.

Goodbye Rapha

Yesterday I was walking Rapha. We went to the post office together and I tied her up behind the building. I was only in there for about a minute when the postal worker got a strange look on her face. She asked who owned that dog. I sheepishly admitted that the barking scoundrel was indeed my dog. Wanting to take a look, she stepped outside. To my horror, she then declared that this dog was in fact her friend's dog who had gone missing over a month ago. She promptly got on the phone and told her friend she found her dog. Apparently Rapha belong to a seven-year-old girl who had named her Sparkles. I cringed--both at the thought of the broken-hearted girl and the disgrace of baring the name "Sparkles." Kennedy told me she would get me another lab, if I wanted one. I only shook my head, choking back tears. I didn't want just any old dumb dog. I wanted Rapha.

I took Rapha home yesterday and cried my eyes out and waited for her owner to come pick her up. I called a few TFA friends and told them the sad news. They all urged me not to give Rapha back, saying it was my dog now. But you know, if Rapha ran away from me, I would want someone to return her. What should I tell that little girl? I am a 23-year-old with no one to come home to so I need her more than you? Real mature.

I don't know if she got lost or what, but the old owner never came, so for now Rapha remains with me. I will admit though, I thinking of forever avoiding the post office...

B

P.S. I took some pictures with Rapha in case I ever have to give her up.

An Influx of Visitors

About a week ago, I had two very unfortunate situations occur. I went get into the details, but I will say that after school, a former student and a current student went missing. In both cases, their guardians assumed they were with me as students often stop by and visit me. I had, however, seen neither of the girls that day for more than a minute because I was will. Anyway, one set of parents in particular was very very angry and threatened to call the cops on me and another teacher. (I'm not sure what I would have been charged with). However, the experience has made me much more guarded. I have therefore implemented a new policy. Every student that visits me now must produce a written note from their guardian stating that they have permission to be at my house as well as the time they must leave by.

Today, I had over twenty students stop by--the most I have had in a single day. I sent every student home that didn't have a note from home, after allowing them to drink a glass water. Three did come back with a note and the others promised to return another day with the required item. The policy makes me feel more guarded and I think it will cut back on children lying to me about where their parents say they can and can't be.

His Mercies Are New

Yesterday was such a hard day. I was both emotionally and physically exhausted. Rapha was really upsetting me because she just wouldn't stop barking. I was so afraid I was going to get kicked out of my apartment. So, I decided to call up my country friends and ask them to take Rapha. I went to bed tearful, weary and so discouraged.

Today was different. Though I was tired when I awoke, I was stress-free as Rapha had slept through the night and had not wakened me as she had so many nights previous nights. I dawned one of my favorite dresses, parted my hair and dropped Rapha off at the dog-sitter. For some reason, there was a bit of spring in my step as I headed towards the school. I felt joy and hope restoring me and it was wonderful.

Today was such a good day. My children made me laugh in so many ways. In fact, I am going to make a special post just for the funny things they said over the last few days. And for the first time, I left the school building knowing that my children had learned. It was beautiful.

Mother Theresa once said, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." Though I am clearly no Mother Theresa, I can resonate with this quote. Today, God reminded me that indeed He will not give me more than I can handle.

Thank you, Dear Father.

B

P.S. God sent me this photo yesterday to remind me why I am here.

Weary

I have been having a rough time. I am just discouraged, weary and exhausted. But this song keeps running through my head, perhaps because it has been on repeat for hours. Anyway, I learned it when I went to the Virgin Islands about four years ago. Check out the lyrics.

When the morning falls on the farthest hill,
I will sing His name, I will praise Him still.
When dark trials come and my heart is filled
With the weight of doubt, I will praise Him still.

For the Lord our God, He is strong to save
From the arms of death, from the deepest grave.
And He gave us life in His perfect will,
And by His good grace, I will praise Him still.

Father, I will praise you still.

The Dark Side

The rumors are true. I did indeed succumb to temptation. The result? A new member of my family. Yes folks, I am not the proud owner of a black lab puppy. Isn't she cute?

Her name is, of course, Rapha. She is 14 weeks and the calmest puppy I have ever seen. She sleeps a lot and barks very rarely. Her current major infractions include waking me up this morning at 4:00am having begun to chew on my favorite Habana sandals from Brasil and having tinkled on my floor when I suggested she just "hold it" until I was done lesson planning. I am not quite certain what (or who) possessed me to take the little tike, but I am not looking back. Any way, she will be good for me in that I can now run at nights with an added degree of safety.

Continuing to shock and awe,

B

Challenges

Friends-

I am not going to lie, this year has been harder than I ever imagined. I usually, though not always, can hold back my tears until I get home. But every single day, I just sit down and weep.

My classroom is essentially a disaster. The situations is such that I cannot teach a lesson. It's not just that they are disruptive, though this is often the case. No, I have found that even when they are not talking, they really aren't listening at all. It is as if I am talking to air.

We are three weeks into the school year and I am terrified. I am terrified that I this will continue the entire year and that my children will learn absolutely nothing this year.

I feel like God is so far away. Last year, I knew that He was working in the heart's of my children and my heart every day. I just can't sense that anymore.

As you can see, I could really use prayers. Please pray that God turns our classroom around and that I can see His hands at work.

B

Rosebud

Today I had to attend a required Teach For America event. The event was held on Rosebud Reservation in a little town called St. Francis. The drive is about two hours away. Last night I made plans to follow Rachel, the new 5th grade teacher and now a good friend of mine. However, this morning her and her roommate got up late and in the panic, they left without telling me. I therefore found myself alone, which I am used to. However, I have been having some troubles with my truck as my battery is dying and one of my front tires is leaking. I also didn't know how to get to St. Francis so I had to go to the school and print a map. As a result, I was pretty stressed as I tried to make it to St. Francis on time. Thankfully, I walked in right on schedule.

The three hour meeting was very good. It provided me with some really concrete action items to improve my plans for this year. I am really excited to make some revisions to my plans and be more strategic this year. It was also really nice to see the entire corps--all 62 of us. Because we are spread out across two reservations, there are some teachers that I almost never see. It was good to catch-up with a few friends.

After the meeting, Rachel decided to ride back with me so we could go to the Rosebud Fair, which is basically a pow-wow. Sadly, we couldn't find it and by the time we realized we had passed it, we decided not to turn around. Instead, we decided to take some time going home by stopping and taking some pictures. In particular, we stopped in Allen on Pine Ridge Rez near this absolutely stunning stretch of land chalk full of sunflowers. I snapped some photos. Here are a few:








Life is just beautiful.

B

P.S. By the way, I find it completely annoying that the pictures always look low-resolution when posted. However, if you want to, you can click to enlarge them and they will become higher quality.

Today was such a beautiful day in so many ways. I entered the classroom armed with a renewed resolve to fight for my children--even if I had to fight them in the process. I also purposed in my heart that I would do whatever I could to invest my children by simply getting to know them. And so today I did just that, got to know my children. Can I tell you how beautiful it was?

--Al is such a sweet little girl. She is bright and eager to please. I can tell that she has a supportive family at home that is invested in her education.
--Ad is without a doubt my biggest behavioral challenge. However, he is a natural leader whom I requested to be in my classroom. Of all of my students, I think that I can perhaps do the most for him in terms of altering his future.
--Ta is such an interesting kid. He is one of my most academically proficient students and has a clever sense of humor.
--Li is a gem. She reminds me so much of her cousin whom I had last year. She is probably my most academically advanced student and I find her presence to be refreshing.
--Ge, well I love to see that smile of his. I have to work extra hard to keep him engaged, but he is so worth it.
--Je is one of the most likable boys I have ever encountered. He is really sharp and so pleasant to be around. He is what you would call a "cool" kid, but he is real respectful just the same.
--Te is such a sweet little boy. He is sensitive and already loves his teacher. He brings me pencils and erasers and scoots real close to me so I will give him a hug. He has my heart.
--Ga is going to have his world rocked this year. You can just tell that he has suffered much already in his short life. He is often morose and withdrawn but when I can coax a smile, I feel like I have won the lottery.
--Hu is my last girl. I had her brother and know her sister. She is also sweet and intelligent but her home life is difficult. She is also one of those children I feel like I am fighting to save from a intense brokenness.
--Da is my lowest reader and writer. He is literally illiterate. He has really low self-esteem, but I am hoping to draw out the boy-wonder that I know is inside of him.
--An is my last student. He was labeled as a "monster" by his former teachers. This year is going to be different. By the end, the 4th grade teachers will be begging to have him.

Pray for my babies.

Love,
B

Photos

For those of you who don't have Facebook but would like to see some photos I've taken over the past few weeks, take a look:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2066970&id=55300229&l=8b26166866

Love,

B

If Anything Would Ever Drive Me to the Bottle...

...the past week would do it.

I met my new class last Wednesday. It was probably the worst day of school I have had in the year I have taught here. I had 7 boys and three girls. The next day didn't get any better--except that I got one more boy. I now have 8 boys and 3 girls. And on Wednesday and Thursday of last week, I just cried my eyes out. I haven't cried this hard since my uncle died. In a way, I did feel as if I had lost someone--19 students to be exact. I missed my old students and just wept over the fact that we were no longer together. I was angry at the new kids for not being my old children and was even angry at their ridiculous behavior.

We have now had 5 teaching days. In that time I have had one student call another's sister a whore, one call another boy with a facial deformity "Chinese Butt," a situation where a student bolted--twice and I had to chase him down in my high-heels. (I caught him in the parking lot, curled up in fetal position, weeping. It took me a very long time to coax him back into the classroom and convince his grandmother not to let him go home, as he wanted.) In short, I have more behavioral problems over these last five days than I had all 165 combined last year. It is truly ridiculous. Please pray for me. Today I just got angry. I had enough of their disrespect and blatant disregard for rules and consequences.

On the flip side, I see that God has given me children who need me so much. Please pray that God gives me His heart for these children. Pray that I love them with everything that is within me.

Take care,

B

No Fear

Dear Father-

You know that I am so tired and more than a little frightened. It is past 9:00 and I have so much to do still. I don't even have all of my day planned yet. I feel disorganized and like a failure. There is a cricket somewhere in my house that is driving me crazy and my cell phone is lost. I had several teachers "warn" me about my future students. I can feel the battle waging around me.

I don't feel victorious. I feel weak and ill-equipped. But you know, Father I am going to choose to trust you. I know that your will is far superior to my weakness. I know that you can use a broken vessel like me to bring about positive change. I know that you have already won the battle. I know that you have chosen me and will never ever abandon me. And so Father, I lift up my head and cry out, "I AM YOURS!" May your will be done. I submit myself to you. I shall not be afraid. I will NOT be afraid or shaken. I am like a tree planted by the water of Life. I will be strong and courageous, I will not be terrified, I will not be discouraged for you are with me wherever I go.

I love you so much,

B

Bonding, Birthdays and Bullying

Yesterday I went to the Kyle Fair, though the actual event doesn't really jive with the traditional images of fair. Instead, it consists of a three day Pow-Wow and several vendors selling food, arts and crafts. Sunday was the last day, but the first I was able to get out to.

Unlike last year, I am really making an effort to get know the new corps members. So, before leaving for the fair I had dinner with the new 5th grade teacher, whom I am very fond of. I think she is going to be an excellent teacher. Joining us for dinner were three other TFA teachers. During that time I realized how truly jaded our generation is when it comes to issues of faith. One girl referred to religion as a "buffet" from which we choose what we like and don't like. I had to refrain from shuttering. I just let them talk, but noted the different views each of them had on faith.

R and I headed out to the fair after dinner. I brought my camera and had way too much fun. I saw so many of my students I couldn't help but snap away. The first shot is of our new 5th grade teacher.






I then went home to attend K's 9th birthday party. When I arrived, they had already eaten dinner, but we sang and we had some cake and ice cream. Here are a few shots from that event:








So after a short while at K's house, I decided to take her and her cousin to the fair. Here is K getting her shoes on. Don't you love her face?:


When we got back to the fair, K and I just walked round and round the pow-wow grounds, much like teens did at the football games in high school. After about two laps, we ran into a group of girls who were in the fifth grade last year. I know that most of the girls really like me a lot and want me to like them as well. However, they are undoubtedly the most disrespectful and rebellious kids in the elementary. Most of them are really into some heavy stuff. Anyway, K and I are walking but are soon stopped as this gang of girls literally surrounds us. They are really close and begin taunting me. They start running their hands through my hair and flicking it around. They called me names like "poodle" and "baby doll" referring to my hair. I was really really ticked off and a wave of emotions swelled over me. I haven't been degraded like that since I was a young girl and I really wanted to stick it to those girls. But K was with me and I didn't want to give them more power than they had. So I leaned forward and looked into the eyes of the ring-leader, a girl with so much pain in her heart. I said "Baby, one day you are going to have to make a choice whether to keep heading on the path you are on or get some help. When you are ready to change, I'll be here. I care about you." And then I took K and walked away.

K later asked me about the exchange I just told her that those girls were hurting and didn't know how to deal with it. My thoughts were only reaffirmed when the ring-leader and a friend tried to cut K and I off were their bicycle as we were walking to my truck to go home. She kept calling out for me saying things like, "I have a message from the boy you came with! He is waiting for you and wants to snag you. Hey you, come back here! Don't walk away from me when I am talking to you! Hey-you're not my friend anymore!" I never slowed down and never even acknowledged her, but she grieved me. I was pondering how to deal with her in the future and I feel like God is urging me to say this whenever she is asking out, "I am sorry you are hurting. I love you." Please pray for her and the other hurting girls on Pine Ridge.

B

My Parents

My parents are not exactly the most tech-savvy individuals, if you know what I mean. So, when I told them that I was starting a blog about my journey as a teacher on Pine Ridge, they had no idea what I meant. It still amuses me to think of all the explanation that was required in order to ensure that they could access this webpage. But of all the things I have since taught my parents to do on the internet, posting comments on my blog is not one of them. Why not, you ask? I think part of it was because they told me their comments over the phone during our daily conversations. If they posted them straight to my blog, I couldn't actually censor them :). But yesterday I broke down and walked my mamma through the simple steps, knowing that she would find great pleasure in posting ornery comments! And sure enough, one of the first things my mom had to say to me today was that she wanted to post a comment on my blog yesterday, but she couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't cheeky! I laughed really hard and this got me to thinking about my parents a little more.

I love my parents--a lot. In fact, I have encountered very few individuals indeed who are as close with their parents as I am. They are two truly unique individuals that I have not met the likes of in all my travels. In fact, I decided to make a list of some of the things I love about them. So mamma and daddy--this is for you.

Daddy:

1) I love how you reach out to all people. I have never met a person who reached out to strangers as often as you.
2) I love the way you willingly lend a hand to everybody and their brother despite the fact that you have more than enough work to do at home, never asking for payment in return.
3) I love your faith. Have I seen such faith in any other?
4) I love the way you rub your hands together after you have told a deliciously lame joke.
5) I love how you love my students so much that you stay awake at night thinking about ways for me to better reach them.
6) I love that you taught me how to work hard.
7) I love that you can still beat all the younger guys.
8) I love how you came to all my games and even my practices. You were as much a part of basketball for me as the rim.
9) I love that you taught me that the Brendsel's are too stupid to know when to quit.
10) I love that you are proud of me.

Mamma

1) I love your sense of humor. No one on this planet can make me laugh as hard as you can.
2) I love your generous heart. You give when it hurts and then give some more.
3) I love how you cry when you hear about the suffering of others, despite the fact that they are often thousands of miles from you.
4) I love it when you come home.
5) I love how you buy things in bulk just because you know that I once liked them.
6) I love how you love me unconditionally. Never in my whole life have I ever doubted that you loved me.
7) I love how all my life you have fought for me in so many ways.
8) I love how you pray for my husband.
9) I love how I if I go a single day without talking with you (and daddy through you), I feel it as keenly as if I skipped eating.
10) I love how I always feel like Jesus is hugging me when you hold me.

I love you two,

Brittany

Can you tell I got a camera?

Our Classroom

I thought I would share some images of our classroom as I get it ready for school on Monday.

Three more reasons that I Teach For America: K, K and K

Another School Year

Another school year is just around the bend--Monday of next week. Today in-service began for all teachers.

You would think that with a very successful year under my belt I would feel calm and confident about the year ahead. But the truth is, I think I am far more nervous about this year than last year. My program director says it is because I realize this year what I don't know. I think that is true to an extent. However, I think there is more to it. I think I currently am in the midst of an ugly spiritual battle.

There are indeed a lot of reasons for me to be anxious about this year, or even terrified. At the last minute I was switched from teaching Social Studies to Science, a subject I hated all throughout school. I can't even get started in planning it as the curriculum order got lost and wasn't placed. In addition, I am teaching Math this year which was undoubtedly the most difficult subject for me during my formal education. I also had a very bad experience in teaching it at Institute in Houston last year. Furthermore, the new group of third graders has more than a few children who in the past have struggled behaviorally. I also have a new TFA program director whom I am adjusting to. In addition, we also got three new TFA teachers in the elementary school. Though this is truly wonderful news as more students will receive an excellent education, I am insecure and intimidated and feel like they have it more together than I do. Finally, the bar for me and my children has been set extremely high because of last year's success. It almost seems unattainable. So, these are the reasons why I have been fighting back terror.

Today as I sat in my newly arranged classroom, tears streaming down my face, I realize something: I will most certainly fail. That is, I will most certainly fail if I attempt to repeat last year's success apart from the Lord. You see, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my babies learned so much and we were so blessed last year because the Lord was moving in my classroom. I was willing and so He used me. Last year I was praying for months for my future children. This year, all I can think about is how these won't be my first babies and I can't possibly love them as much as my first children. Last year I prayed as I/God picked my class. This year I have been fighting back the impulse to avoid having those students with behavioral challenges in my class. In other words, thus far this year I have relied on my own strength--a recipe for disaster.

And so, I would like to confess my sin and repent and seek God. Please pray with me:

Daddy,

Before the foundation of the earth was formed, you knew that I would one day be a teacher in Kyle, South Dakota. You knew the names of each of the children I would be so fortunate to teach and you always have their best interest at heart. Father I ask that you would forgive me for not remaining in You and seeking your will for this year. Abba I give this year back into your loving hands. I trust you and give the future of every one of my children--your children--to you. I pray that every desire and dream that you have for this year would be fulfilled through me. I ask that I would be obedient without question and faithful when I feel like surrendering. I pray that I would not look to human wisdom, but your wisdom. Oh God, I pray that the children would make supernatural academic growth. But even more than that, I pray that your children would tangibly feel your love this year. Walls will be broken down, deep wounds healed, lies banished. Instead of death, despair and deceit, Love will be poured out, Truth will be spoken and Hope firmly planted in the hearts of your babies. I ask Father is that you would use me this year, even when I don't want to be used. Move in a way that I have never seen before.

In You alone,

By the way...

I have posted the link to Abby's blog on the right hand side of this page. I encourage you to read it and post encouraging comments for her. If we get any news on the boys, I will post that on my blog too.