Broken

It is amazing how life can nearly rip in two as if time itself has separated. That is what JFK was for our parents generation and 9-11 for mine. But there can also be events--both good and bad that can alter one's life on a more personal level. Perhaps it is the birth of a child, a marriage, a devastating injury. And quite often, I think that this time split occurs with the loss of someone we love.

Late last night, my baby sister told me that we lost our uncle. He had been battling cancer for so long. God had performed so many miracles--he should have been dead long ago, but God kept sparing him. But yesterday, there was no more miracles. Now, I expect you are waiting for me to say that it is okay because he was a passionate believer and now he is at peace. But truth be told, I don't know if that is the case. We had prayed for him for so long and nearly begged him to give his life to the Lord. If he did so, it was something between him and the Lord.

I have always struggled to comfort those who have lost loved ones who do not believe. What hope can I offer them? What hope can I offer my grieving family who does not believe in the Lord? Where was the all-powerful God? To be honest, I don't know.

There are a lot of things I don't know, but there are some things I do know. I know that my uncle was loved by his family. But more than that, I know that he was passionately loved by his Father in Heaven. Even in the midst of one of the most painful moments of my life, I don't doubt the goodness of God. I believe with all of my heart that if my uncle chose not to believe, it was not a result of a lack of love on the part of my Father.

I have wept with survivors of genocide, laughed with former child soldiers, held children born after their mothers were raped. I have seen children so weak with hunger, there very lives faded before me. More than once I have comforted teenagers who were terrified by the fact that they were living with HIV. I have taught students who struggle with missing fathers who have sexually abused them. I have seen so much suffering for being so young. And today, I know what it is like to own that loss. But even in the midst of all of this, I can't doubt the goodness of God. He loves us so passionately. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know that he relentlessly pursues each one of us. He loves us.

"I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain"

My life is yours, dear Father

हाउ तो लोस ब्लॉग रेअदेरस

The number one way to kill a blog is to not update it. I suppose at this point the only people who will continue to follow my journey are my immediate family members—which is alright with me. But I am sorry to those of you who have supported our classroom. You really do deserve better.

So the last few weeks have been tumultuous for me, both personally and professionally. On a personal level, my family has been struggling and interceding for my uncle. He was diagnosed with cancer last year. God brought his unbelieving soul back from the edge of death and through a series of miracles, healed his body of cancer so bad, the doctors gave him less than six months to live. We were all praising God and filled with such joy.

However, last week, we were told that there were complications from his brain surgery that resulted in constant bleeding. The doctors have tried to stop the bleeding—with five different surgeries. After the last one, they sent him home, telling our family there was nothing more they could do. He is currently at home, a shunt in his head to drain the fluid, essentially waiting to die.

But God is God of the impossible. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he can bring him back from the shadow of death into the light of His love. Please, please pray for his healing—first spiritually and then physically. I beseech you, please ask your friends to pray as well. May we be an army of one. Eternity is at stake. Pray for him by name—John Helsel.

Dealing with my uncle’s illness has only compounded the stresses of teaching. The last few weeks, I have seen an increase in bullying throughout the third grade. I had several kids in tears and a few very angry with me. I sent my first kid to ISS (in school suspension), though it was only for ten minutes. She was the girl who is always late. She refused to come in to class. Then, after she did, she sat at her desk and started to work on a fun-page book. When I tried to take it from her, she grabbed it away and refused to give it to me. I told her that she had to move to the reflection desk. When she refused this, I told her that she had a choice between joining the class, the reflection desk or the principal. She did nothing so I had my aide get the principal. Since I didn’t want her gone the whole day, I told my aide to give her a timer and tell her she could come back after ten minutes if she was ready to learn. She came back and the rest of the day was fine.

Our first big unit test in Social Studies is on Wednesday. I am so, so, so nervous. I have made study guides, done review games, called parents, etc. in order to get the kids and their families invested in this test. Please pray for amazing results.

We got a new student in the 3rd grade this week. She is such a crack-up. She is the cousin of one of my absolute favorite students (if favorites were aloud). Her great-aunt is also the principal. Her reading level is extremely low but she is SUCH a crack-up. She is one of the wittiest girls I have ever met. I adore her. However, I can’t imagine how she is going to do on testing material she wasn’t present for.

On Monday, the school’s after school tutoring program officially begins. It is going to be way more work than I thought it was going to be. This could be problematic as I am trying to stay afloat as it is.

The school’s literacy coach, South Dakota Middle School Teacher of the Year and former TFA corps member, is helping me improve my classroom. Her wisdom is so important to me. I really, really value her advice and am thankful for her. I can’t imagine what I would have done without her.

My mom and dad have continued to send huge boxes for our classroom. I have passed out five winter coats—much needed right now. I recently received from them a huge box of winter clothes I am eager to distribute. They also landed some really good books. Our library is doing much better. In fact, one of the students commented the other day “When school started, our library was so small, not it’s getting much bigger!” I think it has really helped to develop a love of reading. In fact, the kids begged for more reading time on Friday—making their total independent reading time equal to 55 minutes of complete silent reading!!

My TFA boss is coming to observe me on Tuesday. I am a bit nervous, but I am trying not to do anything I normally wouldn’t do. I want to be an excellent teacher when he is present or not present. I want him to see me at my worst so he can help me get better.

Well, I had better go as I still have a lot to do tonight.

Please continue to pray for my kids and also my uncle,

So much love,

B

Updates

I cannot describe how busy I have been, so I won't even waste typing energy.

Things have been progressing in Room 170. I am a bit worried that the children are becoming too familiar with me. They have become more bold of late in their statements. I do not want them to think that they can talk back to me. Please pray that I have wisdom in this regard.

As for good news, M was on time the last few days! Praise God! Two days in a row! However, she told me today "I might be late tomorrow." This was a direct threat because I told her that she lost her recess privledge because she had deliberately broke a rule and told another student he would be a tattle-tale if he told me. Her little comment reminded me of how shrewd kids can be.

An update on B. They have decided that his medication is wearing off around 2:00. Therefore, they have decided to send him home around this time. This is, of course, ridiculous. He can't pass if he isn't in class. Please pray that we figure out how to help this kid.

Speaking of helping kids, I met a kid the other night God may use me to help. He came with D, the brother of one of my students--the family I help move after the fire. The boy, P, was "homeschooled" because he failed three times from K-2. He is now about 10 or 11, I would guess. No one is teaching him at home. Instead, he just hangs out. I told him to go and talk to his mom and would take him in my class. I just have this feeling that his future is going to be very bleak if he doesn't get some education. Please pray for him.

Well, I am so tired. I'll give a better update later.

B

P.S. Here is a picture of me in my classroom.

Fire

I just never know what is going to happen on the ‘Ridge. Tonight, I was talking on the phone with my dad (or at least trying to talk with the o-so-sketch-reception) when I heard a knock on my door. My students come by every so often so I thought it was one brave enough to try to get in. Reluctantly, I opened the door to find Dave, a fifth grader and the brother of one of my 3rd graders—not from my home room, though. She is a real sweety and hangs out frequently in my classroom after school with Hannah Montana. She is the one that Hannah Montana called ‘black trash’ during one of their fights.

Anyway, Dave said his grandmother was wondering if they could use my truck as they were in trouble. Something about a fire. I threw my coat on and ran downstairs. I pieced together this story.

Last night, a gentleman was repairing the water heater in their trailer. Suddenly, the water heater exploded creating a flash fire. The force of the explosion was so great that it blew a part of the wall out. There were holes all in the ceiling where the debris had been blasted. The were more smoke than flames, but a fire did start. Dave, being a twelve-year-old boy, foolishly ran back for his x-box. He and his grandmother had to go to Rapid City to be treated for smoke inhalation. She had a heart attack on the way and ended up fighting for her life as her heart rate dropped to around 40. He was given oxygen to treat his smoke inhalation.

As I helped them move some of their valuables to their new apartment, which is conveniently located directly below me, I was numb with shock. Even now, as I regain feeling in my limbs from loading and unloading in the pouring, my mind is still reeling. What if B and her little sister had been there instead of at a Pow-Wow in Rapid? What if they had been seriously hurt? What if they had died?

I am feeling kind of heavy as the smell of smoke clings to my clothes. This place is so frightening at times. Death is no stranger to these people. And I am afraid. I am afraid that one day someone will knock on my door and tell me that one of my students is dead. It could have been B this time.

Thank you Father for protecting those children. Please, please continue to shelter them in the shadow of Your wings.

B

Serves me Right

Today was a rough day, for many reasons. But tonight was probably worse.

I went back to my apartment after school and slept from 4:00 to 8:30. I decided I would do some work in my class and then head to bed. I ended up staying until 11:00. I was in a hurry to get out by that time because it was sweltering hot in my room. I got to my truck only to find...you guessed it--I left my keys in my classroom.

And so, there I was locked out of my truck, apartment, classroom and school at 11:00 at night on a Friday night in Pine Ridge. I pounded and pounded and pounded on security's door but no one answer. Of course, I was wearing a skirt and wimpy shoes. Thankfully, I had a big jacket, but I was still cold. Plus, it was misting so I was getting soggy. My shoes were wet because I stepped into a puddle. I was real cold and getting desperate. My cell phone was dead so I couldn't call anyone. Finally, to shelter myself from the cold, I climbed into the bed of my truck and opened my tool box. I was happy to find a blanket, albeit a paper-thin one, in my box. I proceeded to climb into the tool box and shut the lid.

It was dark in there, like a coffin. It was not bad though. It has carpet on the floor and protected me from the wind. I thought I may have to sleep in there. I couldn't be at peace because I was worried that it might snow tonight, as forecasted. Then, what would happen if I couldn't lift the lid because of too much snow? Also, I was afraid someone might try to steal something from the box and find me inside.

Finally, I remembered that I had my phone charger in my backpack. I jumped out of my box and plugged the phone into the wall outside. I called my older sister and then B for help. I woke her, but being the little angel that she is, she didn't complain. She got online for me and looked up security's number. However, before I could dial, a truck stopped and out popped a security guard who let me in the school. I am now warming up before I leave again.

What a night.

B

The Prodigals

I have three children that I want to introduce you to who really need prayer. I'll start with S.

S, like many/most of my children, comes from a broken home. I actually don't know all of the specifics, but I do know she lives with her grandmother, though her mother lives in town. It is obvious that her family struggles financially.

Of all the students in my classroom, she is my only student who will talk back to me. There is not a single student in my class who would give me the lip she does on occasion. For example, today I told her she did her assignment incorrectly and she immediately got angry and wouldn't take her assignment back. She started whining that she wanted to play and that she already did what she was supposed to do. I looked at her and said, "Are you whining? S, don't give me attitude in this classroom. I am not your mother, I am your teacher."

She is also a habitual liar. Today I told her to spit out her gum. She walked over to the classroom, put her hand to her mouth and gestured towards the trashcan. After sitting back down, I noticed she had stuck her gum behind her upper lip. Annoyed, I told her to throw it away immediately. She likes, "I did." I was really annoyed now and said, "S, you are lying to me. You always do that. Throw it away this instance." She defiantly through it in the trash can. The day before, she was irate with me because I wouldn't let her leave school early to go to the bake sale. She literally stomped her foot in anger.

Academically, S is my lowest performing student. Her reading level is mid-Kindergarten. She really, really struggles. I think the main reason that she does so poorly is that she simply does not pay attention. And she doesn't pay attention because she is utterly exhausted. She goes to bed at 11:00 because she is watching T.V. Her eyes water every day because she is so exhausted. She constantly is responding to my questions with a "huh." And unlike every other girl in my class and most boys, she doesn't like me to hug her.

S has a lot of pain, I can clearly see that. And I know that she likes my class, at least to a degree. She tells me that she loves me when she makes me notes. She also brought me a snow globe the other day. But there remains these challenges.

Finally, I would bet a large amount of money that S has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She displays many of the signs and symptoms. I am trying to decide if I should refer her to Special Ed. Please pray with me about S.

The second child that is challenging me is named M. Her story is really tragic. Her father was incarcerated when she was a baby and her mother hates her. M's grandmother told me that M's mom got very sick and almost died giving birth to her. She therefore despised the baby for putting her in danger. M has other siblings but her mom likes them. Some actually live with her. But M is treated like the outcast and has been beaten by her mom. She now lives with her grandmother and cares for her younger brother and sister.

M's family is obviously very poor. She has a constant chest cold and the clothes she wears remind me of the children of Botswana, Rwanda and Uganda. She comes to school so dirty sometimes that I have taken her into the hallway and literally wiped her down. She is also considerably overweight and has been teased about it in the past.

Socially, it seems that M doesn't have any friends. I can see that she feels like an outsider. I feel bad because she is constantly breaking the rules and the class gets impatient with her. Her form of defiance is ignoring me. When I tell her to put her pencil down, she will still write for another minute. But most bothersome is the fact that she is late every single day--and I mean every day. She has probably been on time twice since the year began. She not because she arrives at school late but because she dawdles at the school breakfast. I have to go get her nearly every day. I told her that I had had enough. I have conferenced with her grandmother and rebuked her several times. Every morning I ask why she is late and she has some other excuse.

Yesterday, after being late for the millionth time, I told her she had to sit at the reflection desk and explaining in writing why she was late and what she would do tomorrow to arrive on time. This is what she wrote,

"I will wake up early and I will come to school and go to breakfast and I will come to class early. I will come to school at 7:00 and at 8:00 to. I promass miss Brendsesl that I will come to school early because I love you miss Brendsel so, so much." ha

I fully expected this to rectify the situation. I was wrong. Today, I found her at breakfast messing around with her brother. I said, "M--- M---, get to class right now." Normally I walk with her but today I didn't wait. I returned to class and honestly forgot about her. About twenty minutes later, my aide comes in and tells me M is hiding in the hallway and ran away when he confronted her. I had to leave the class, which I was instructing and talk to her in the hallway. I told her that she could either sit at the reflection desk or in the office. She refused to move. Fed up, I told her that she had better move now or I was getting someone to move her. She knows that I have no power because I can't physically touch her. I had to go get the security officer who apparently can't touch her either. My principal was gone so I couldn't call her. She finally went with an aide and was taken to the acting principal. She was back in less than five minutes. I was so upset. When she came back, she just sat at her desk and refused to move or join the class on the carpet. I largely ignored her behavior for most of the day. At one point, she joined in with the class and I called on her, acting if nothing had happened.

When we were going to the library, she beamed up at me and said, "Do you know why I am being good. Cause it makes my grandma happy." I was speechless. We went to the library without incident. However, as we were leaving, I heard the librarian say "M, are you hiding back here?" I turned around, shocked to find M was hiding in the book stacks. With 17 kids, I simply didn't notice. I again was not happy and was thoroughly mortified. She returned to class with us and almost made the kids miss the buses (they had to run) because she was taking so long to follow my directions.

Please, please, pray for M and for me. I love her very deeply. She has a smile that will melt your heart and I feel so bad about her being unwanted. She has asked me if she could live with me and has told me that she wishes I were her mom. She normally does very well in my class aside from the fact that is slow to follow my directions and that she is late to class. She just needs a lot of prayer, as do I.

The child is a boy, though he is not in my class. His name is B. He was one of the first kids I noticed when I began to teach here. He just looks like trouble. He walks with a swagger and just breaks every rule imaginable. Someone is always scolding him. So I was very pleased to find that when he finally came to my class, he and I have gotten along very well. He participates and really seems to try to stay on task--with more success at time than at others. He misses class a lot--a whole lot, and he has performed very low in academics in the past. But we get along real well. He rides his bike very where and I ride mind, so we have that bond. He even gives me hugs some time.

But B has problems. He has explosive anger issues. Just yesterday, he went up to his teacher and said, "I am getting angry.!" He wouldn't tell his teacher why---just stormed out. He began pounding his head against the mat on the gym wall. The counselor tried to restrain him to keep him from hurting himself. He flailed and bit her. He then ran into the hallway and pulled the plug of a blow-up Frankenstein out of the wall which sent sparks flying. When a teacher came out, he screamed in rage "Get away you black F-ing, B-! The kids is eight years old. He then took another Halloween item and through it across the wall.

This was not the first time B has gone on a rampage. The odd thing is, I have never seen it. His mom doesn't know what to do. When he was a little boy, he suffered head trauma as a result of a brain injury. Doctors say that it has influenced his ability to cope with his anger. Personally, I think that this issue is demonic and I am serious. Yesterday, when he went into the rage, his lower jaw was quivering uncontrollably and he told the principal that "Some thing's happening!" I honestly think that something spiritual happens when he goes into these spells.

I ask that you would pray for deliverance for this child. I pray that if I ever encounter this sort of violent anger, that the light would pierce the darkness.

Please pray for all my children. They have so many needs.

Love,

B

Meet the Teacher

The morning started out hurried as I had to finish preparing for lessons that day and staple fliers up around the community (which included three places). I ended up sprinting back to class in my high heels, which the maintance men commented on. I arrived to class in the nick-of-time to find my children patiently waiting for me. How I love them.

The morning was good. I finally started our new reading program after finishing the required testing and I think that it is going to be really cool. We didn't have any time to write but I am hoping that was just because it was the first day. I also had the kids help prepare for Meet the Teacher night. I was so nervous because everyone was saying that no one would show up. My room was also a disaster. I had the kids hang up some of the work they had done and also make some posters. It was so cool because one of the kids in my class who almost never participates did so by making our class poster. He is really pretty good. I was just excited to see him show some hint of emotion.

As for Meet the Teacher Night itself, it was simply blessed. I had famlies representing all but five of my 17 students. Of those parents that did not attend, two had to work, one conferenced with me before school, one was at a funeral and the last had a stroke. Pretty good excuses, huh? I was just grinning like a fool. The 3rd grade had more students than K-5 combined. Praise God.

It was also just good to chat with the families. I actually had already met all but one of them. They were kind, gracious and seemed very intent on learning how their child was doing. I really look forward to meeting with them throughout the year.

Thank you, Father for the amazing turnout! God is so good!

After Meet the Teacher, I had a take-home exam for a grad class I am taking for certification purposes. I started to work on it at 9:00 and didn't get done until 4:00. I was up two hours later. I am pretty tired right now...