So It's Raining

In the last 24 hours, I have realized something: be careful what you pray for! Last night, I ask God to continue to mold and challenge me. Today my prayer was answered.

I took Maria Rapha home at 4:00 as usual. We then folded some clothes and I tried to recover from a difficult day. Usually we would immediately sit down and practice her reading. Today, we went to pray at a fellow teacher's house instead. When we got back, Maria Rapha asked if she could watch a movie. I told her only after we practiced reading. She sat down in a huff. I tried to work with her (phonics) but she kept giving me this bad attitude. I then told her she that she needed to go to her room. She refused. Sensing the storm coming, I told her she could move or be grounded for rest of the weekend. She quickly retorted, "You can't ground me this weekend because I am moving back in with my grandma." I told her that this was not an option--she could go with her mom or stay with me and she chose to stay. With a very smug look on her face, she told me that her grandmother had told her that she could move back in with her if she wanted. I was speechless as this was news to me. When I regained my powers of speech, I told her that was her choice but as long as she was in my house, she would follow my rules. She then ran off into her room and began packing.

I am pleased to say that Maria's anger was soon replace with stubborness. She proceeded to pack every possession that she could fit into her backpacks, hell-bent on leaving tomorrow morning. She even asked me if she could or couldn't take certain items. My flesh wanted to tell her she couldn't take the mud off the carpet, but I let her take everything I had bought her or friends had sent to her. I did, however, put my foot down when she requested that I allow her to take the bedding off the bed.

At one point during the night, she asked me if I would miss her when I left and what I would do. I thought she was then going to change her mind, but she said nothing. I put to her bed as usual, even reading a chapter from our bedtime story and praying with her. She still cuddled with me in bed and kissed on the cheek as is her custom. But she still said she was leaving.

I called her grandmother and spoke briefly with her over the phone. Her grandmother was clearly frustrated with Maria Rapha and told me that she couldn't take her back and that she was "burnt-out" on kids. I took this opportunity to explain that I wanted to keep Maria and if she would simply tell her that she could not leave, we would be fine. She never gave me that assurance in stone, but she did say that if Maria Rapha left, she had to go with her mom. Since her mom lives in Nebraska, that would mean it would more than likely be several days if not weeks until she could come up and pick her.

So, I am again in limbo. I have no idea how long Maria Rapha will be staying with me or if this will all be over in the morning. But I am still trying to trust.

Love,
B

Bring the Rain

It is very late and I haven't planned what I am going to do tomorrow. Instead, I have been talking with some incredible ladies about faith and trials. Speaking with them has encouraged me so much. Here are some things that I am thinking right now.

Living with Maria Rapha has been very tough--much tougher than I imagined for completely different reasons then I imagined. I don't mind the cooking, having to work at home, etc. What I don't like is having to put someone else's needs before mine at all times. I don't like surrendering my independence. I don't like facing my flaws and having to deal with them on a daily basis. But then again, maybe I do.

The Lord is with me. I am not walking this path alone. 1 Peter 1:6 says "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." James adds "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Do I want to be mature? Do I want to be complete? So badly. I want to grow in the Lord. I simply cannot do that if I do not face trials. What I am going through right now is going to, and is, making me a stronger person. And you know what? God promises that He will never give me beyond what I can endure. That means that the Lord knows that I can handle this through His strength. What I am experiencing right now are merely growing pains. But I choose to rejoice this. No matter what I feel like, I cling to the hope that is set before me in Jesus Christ. I rest in the hope found in Banny's favorite Bible verse: "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.

Dear Father, right now my flesh hates what I am going through. There is so much about this situation which I recoil against. But I am clinging to you. I believe with all of my heart that what I am going through has been sent by you for my benefit and the benefit of Maria Rapha and all the other people I come in contact with. I choose, right now, to trust in you. Dare the potter turn to the clay and question the work of His hands? No, I dare not. I will not. Instead, I will submit myself to be molded and formed to be more like you. I trust you. There is no safer place than in your hands. You are everything to me.

Love, your broken daughter.

B

But Then She Prayed

In the middle of the night (or perhaps the early morning), Maria Rapha crawled into my bed. Rather than endure the punching-fest that always ensues when she sleeps beside me, I drug myself out of bed and went to the couch. This was a smart move because it wasn't until 7:30 that she woke me up this morning. Yeah for sleeping in.

We both got ready for church in the morning as I struggled to make sure that my attitude today was better than yesterday. I admit that I wasn't off to a very good start. I wasn't doing too bad until her chocolate bar that I was holding for her melted in my jacket pocket. By the time I noticed, I smeared the warm treat all over the inside of my pants. I didn't have my truck so I couldn't drive home and just change them. Mortifying.

We got back from church and I fought against more feelings of irritation. Part of my frustrations stem from the fact that I felt very trapped this weekend. I temporarily have no truck (long story) so can drive nowhere. My best friends here are 45 minutes away without a vehicle and several hours away in Wyoming with her husband. I can't just pick up the phone and call someone since my cell phone battery is dead and my only charger in my truck, which I don't have...(sigh).

Things culminated before dinner when Maria Rapha told me that loved 50 Cent (a rapper). She also defiantly told me that she now liked Hannah Montana and didn't care what she did with her boyfriend. At that point, I excused myself to go take a shower (aka pray in private).

My prayer was not that God would change Maria's heart, but mine. I have been so selfish these last couple of days. I can feel the battle waging around me, but it is hard to fight. Thankfully, my faithful blog readers have been lifting me up in prayer. Tonight, I felt the breakthrough.

It started just before bed. I climbed in next to her and read from the "Tale Of Desperaux" as we always do. I then read to her from the Bible, which is always our custom. But tonight, she asked me to read more to her. As she snuggled closer to me and I read to her from John, I could start to see clearly again. My heart of stone was again transformed into a hard of flesh. By the time we began our prayers, I was ready for what God had in store.



I have not had the honor of hearing many eight-year-olds pray. It is difficult to describe. Maria's prayers tonight sent chills down my spine. I could sense the presence of God in such a cool way. She prayed for the children of northern Uganda and that God would change the hearts of those who were kidnapping children and forcing them to be child soldiers. She prayed for those teenagers who were involved in gangs--that were "trying to follow Jesus but were making bad choices." And my eyes welled up with tears as she thanked God for sparing my little sister's life in India, while still remembering to pray for those who died on the train she should have been on. I was frustrated with Maria Rapha today, but then she prayed... and I was humbled by her sincerity and thankful to God for allowing me to be a part of this young girl's life.

He is so amazing,

B

Sin

Today has not been a good day. It really started last night. Maria Rapha has a habit of waking me up when I am sleeping--she does it in the early mornings, if I doze off on the couch, or even in the middle of the night. I don't let her sleep in my bed, but in the mornings I let her come in when she wakes up. However, lately she has not been coming in to sleep beside me but to wake me up. So what is the big deal? Well, I am exhausted, pure and simple. I am just so tired and I need every second of sleep I can get so that I can be effective in the classroom. I also am more irritable when I don't get enough sleep.

Last night, I feel asleep on the couch while doing my work. She jumped on top of me and woke me up. Today she woke me up at 6:00 am. It's Saturday. I was very close to being upset. I told her that if she wanted breakfast, she knew where to find it, and tried to go back to bed. She repeatedly came in. I finally dragged myself out of bed, truly irritated.

For most of this day, I have been irritated with her. When she popped the lenses out of my glasses today, I got upset. She was clearly unrepentant and told me that it was an easy problem to fix (actually not the case). In an irritated voice, I told her that she breaks everything she touches, which is not the case. She actually just breaks most of what she touches. Anyway, she went to her room and hasn't come out. She is now sleeping and I don't want to know what kind of mood she will be in when she wakes up.

I am mad at myself. I am very, very mad at myself. She needs unconditional love and I kept pushing her away today because I was annoyed with her. When she was leaning/pushing me on the couch this morning, I made her leave because she was making me fall over. I should have hugged her and told her I love her. What is wrong with me?

As I reflect on this day, I see clearly that my sins can have a very negative influence on Maria Rapha's life. It is sobering and heartbreaking. Why didn't God pick some other person to take care of her? Ideally, that person would have far fewer faults that I do.

We could really use your prayers right now.

B

Would Mr. Right Please Step/Run Forward...Or Not

Have you ever experienced the peer pressure of an eight-year old child? It is very powerful. Perhaps it is because kids call it like you see it, but when they talk, I listen. That is why my children's near constant obsession with my romantic life (or lack their of), has got me reflecting.

Here is a brief synopsis of my history with romantic relationships...none. Now I did have a rather romantic proposal in Uganda--a Muslim man wanted me to be his fourth wife in exchange for some cows. (I considered it but just couldn't reconcile myself to the thought of the frequent Ugandan dust storms.) So I find myself at 23 having never dated anyone. I've lobbied in Washington D.C., known the deaf to receive their hearing, roasted frogs in a rice paddy in Thailand and had tea with the leader of a rebel army, but I have zero experience when in comes to matters of the heart. So what's the problem? Absolutely nothing.

According to the standards of the world, I should be concerned--very concerned. Many of my friends are now married or in a very serious relationship. Several even have children. But as for me, I live in place where the only single men with whom I regularly interact with between the ages of 19 and 50 is a gay man and an individual who could shame Casanova. In fairness, I have seen some youngish looking men from time to time--kinda like Bigfoot sightings--but have never gotten pass an awkward stare of awe at their existence.

So what is a girl to do? The answer: trust. Though there is a part of me that wants to apply for Extreme Makeover: Brittany Addition, I know that this is not the solution or even the problem. My singleness has truly been a gift. Because I have never been in a relationship, I have been free to wholly devote myself to whatever God has put before me. I truly cannot fathom what it would have been like to have come to this place with an attachment. I would be torn between my classroom and him. I would constantly feel like I was failing one or both parties. The same is true of Uganda, Thailand, Brasil, Botswana, etc. I mean, when is the last time you met a man who was willing/honored to sleep on a dirt floor in a refugee camp? Because I am single, I can come running when God calls. It truly is pretty special.

Someone once told me that I would walk a very lonely road. I feel like that from time to time. I feel as if I am walking along a very long and difficult road, very much alone. However, along the way, I meet incredible people who encourage me, but I still remain on the journey alone. It can get lonely, but then I remember that I am not walking alone. Jesus is always beside me, leading me where He wants me to go. You see, I would rather live my entire life as a single woman than to abandon the path God has set me upon. I am headed somewhere--straight to the Father's heart.

B

What Could Have Been

All of you must read my baby sister's latest blog entry. I still feel sick just thinking about the possibility of what could have happened. However, my even stronger emotion is gratitude to God.

Check it out:

http://www.breanabrendsel.blogspot.com/

B

Post-Brawl

Today was an awkward day for me. I was so exhausted from last night's ordeal that I almost fell asleep teaching. It's a good thing I love my kids.

Life after school has been interesting. I told Maria Rapha that she was grounded until March 1. This means that she is not allowed to have any desserts, any friends over, watch movies, play on the computer, or play with toys. She is basically allowed to read, do math, do her chores, eat and sleep. Her room is still empty save for the bed. I told I would return stuff to her at the end of each today. Tonight, I am giving her her clothes back. Tomorrow, I'll probably return wall hangings. She also must write a letter of apology to my parents for destroying a game they sent her and thank-you notes to all of you who have sent her such wonderful presents (many of which I am with-holding until she is un-grounded).

In other news, I was distracted when cooking dinner. I added too much meat to the Hamburger Helper so the majority of it was unflavored. What was flavored tasting disgusting. I tried to add spaghetti sauce to make it taste better, but to little avail. I suppose I did add a little spice when I set it on fire. I accidentally started a grease fire when my nasty-food overflowed into the coil burner. I was a bit shocked when 2 and a half foot flames went into the air as my stove doesn't even have burners. I had the presence of mind to back away from the fire, taking my flaming nasty-food with me. Meanwhile, Maria Rapha ran from the kitchen screaming "FIRE! FIRE!" I still tried to serve the food. It was disgusting. I ate all mine, but didn't make Maria Rapha endure that torture. I ended up throwing it away. What a waste.

B