Sorrow

 I just got done putting Maria to bed. It is one of my favorite parts of the day. I also love brushing our teeth together and how she always thinks it is hilarious to make a moustache out of toothpaste foam.  I nearly die from laughter when she sings her own made-up song as she mops the floor—complete with kung-fu punches and lunges.  God sent me her at a perfect time in my life. She reminds me of the simple joys life brings.

 

I cannot describe the range of emotions I have experienced this last week.  But today was probably the most difficult day I have had since I began teaching five months ago.

Today, tears just streamed down my face as my most challenging class lined up to exit the classroom.  I just told them that I was so sorry their lives were so difficult.  Not very professional, but true.  My heart grieves for them everyday, but today I simply couldn't hold back the pain anymore.

 

An email can't really convey the depth of sorrows my kids shared with me today but I will tell you that I had a 10 year-old write on a peace of paper that he hates his life.  He illustrated his point by drawing a graphic picture of him slitting his own throat and blood pouring out. Next to him, his dead grandfather, who was wheelchair bound cries out "Jesse." The scene takes place next to an Exit door. Another one of my kids was left to the care of a 'strange man' while in Rapid. She is now displaying symptoms consistent with a molestation victim.  I had over half of one class confess to me in writing that they were occupied with some very painful experiences at home. One boy, whose grandfather is dying, simply said, "I am so angry. I am not ready to let him go."  What eight-year-old says that?  The school day ended with Maria's new teacher complaining about her not working and Maria crying very loudly for 40 minutes because I wouldn't "give her teacher-a-talking-to" as her real mom would have. Perfect.

 

I look into the eyes of these children and I see so much pain I can barely look.  It makes my Social Studies content seem nearly irrelevant.  Who gives a care about a thesis sentence and a stupid British accent when Death and Sorrow are their intimate companions? 

 

I think I realized today that if I was ever going to quit, it would be after a day like this.  But you know, today only strengthened my resolve. For the remainder of the time that God has me here, I will give everything I have and that which I didn't know that I had to letting my children know that they are loved and that a better life is possible.

 

Well, there is just a snapshot of what I have been thinking about since the bell rang today.